Sooo I am on cycle day 27 today, and I still have not ovulated... I think I screwed up. I have ovulated 3 months in a row... for the first time EVER.
This is all due to my new meds (that I DID NOT think would work)
This month I forgot 2 days in a row of my meds. then took the remaining. Issue - I only take them cycle day 3-7.... so I took them cycle days 3,4,6,9
I think I screwed it up.... DAMNIT!
and last month I had no chance of pregnancy either because I ovulated when I was out of town with out my husband for 5 days.
SERIOUSLY... this is crazy I want a baby more than anything, and I keep failing!
totally frustrated....
But on the bright side. I still ovulated 3 months!!! My life has been CRAZY the last couple of months.. I think its ok Jan and Feb I screwed up... at least I ovulated right?? That is the first step! figuring out my patterns and timing sex is next!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
The Heavy Truth
I have been watching a documentary on 4 people that were roughly 700 lbs that have undergone surgery. I know I am no where near 700 lbs. But I still relate.
I have a food addiction.
I am an emotional eater.
I refuse to say how much I weigh. But I am going to refer to my weight by my current goal. My Current goal is to lose 50 lbs. So I am going to say I weigh 50 lbs.
When I met my husband I weighed 5-10 lbs. I gained about 60-65 lbs. SO at my biggest weight ever I weighed 70 lbs.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself when I weighed 70 lbs. My husband was also at his biggest weight. which was about 255-260 so he was very large too. He was working a cubicle job and was in a band. He was eating fast food non stop. I was eating out every single day if not twice a day. We were big drinkers on the weekends and then we would go get fast food 2am and go home and go to bed. we would wake up and go get chipotle. we would go get burger king for dinner. I would sit in my recliner every single night and smoke cigarettes and drink sugar pop. Ironically I didnt really snack, but eating out twice a day took care of that!
I started doing better at work and eating out less and cooking more. I lost about 20 lbs. I was about 50 lbs. this is where I was last year when I got married. I continued to lose weight. To be exact I got down to 36 lbs.
Then I quit smoking cigarettes.
I gained about 10 lbs.
Lately with all this stress I have put on another 5lbs.
I am pissed off.
I put so much work into losing about 34 lbs at one point. now I am only 20 lbs down.
So my point of this long story is to just show you my weight struggle the past 5 years. I have always struggled with my weight but this is the worst its been.
Its sad, and hard. For my dearest baby you would think I would be able to lose some weight. My fertility chances would raise dramatically and my pregnancy would be lower risk and healthier.
But I love food. I crave food, and depending on my mood I just don't get full. If it is in front of me I will eat it.
I need to get back to making better choices. Since I have quit smoking I have picked up snacking like crazy. Instead of going outside to smoke I go to the kitchen and grab something. We eat fast food WAYYYYYYYYY less and we go out drinking wayyyy less!! So we are healthier yet. I am still freaking FAT!
Its very frustrating. Why when I want something so bad do I fail?? Why do I self sabotage??
So my goal is to meal plan for everyday. So I know what I can eat tomorrow. and I will fight to keep those decisions.
Not for baby this time..... just for me.....For my health, my life, my happiness.
I want to move. I want to exercise. I want to release my stress with out going to food to comfort me. I have come soooo far in my habits and my lifestyle. And for that I am grateful and truly amazed. I am a different person...a BETTER person. Now I need to attack my stress relief. It is going to take some hard work and some planning, but I can do this.
This is the most recent pic of me from 3 weeks ago. Best i can do for full body. :) Its me and dad that has recently lost 80 lbs. He should be my inspiration! Too bad I rarely see or talk to him...
I have a food addiction.
I am an emotional eater.
I refuse to say how much I weigh. But I am going to refer to my weight by my current goal. My Current goal is to lose 50 lbs. So I am going to say I weigh 50 lbs.
When I met my husband I weighed 5-10 lbs. I gained about 60-65 lbs. SO at my biggest weight ever I weighed 70 lbs.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself when I weighed 70 lbs. My husband was also at his biggest weight. which was about 255-260 so he was very large too. He was working a cubicle job and was in a band. He was eating fast food non stop. I was eating out every single day if not twice a day. We were big drinkers on the weekends and then we would go get fast food 2am and go home and go to bed. we would wake up and go get chipotle. we would go get burger king for dinner. I would sit in my recliner every single night and smoke cigarettes and drink sugar pop. Ironically I didnt really snack, but eating out twice a day took care of that!
I started doing better at work and eating out less and cooking more. I lost about 20 lbs. I was about 50 lbs. this is where I was last year when I got married. I continued to lose weight. To be exact I got down to 36 lbs.
Then I quit smoking cigarettes.
I gained about 10 lbs.
Lately with all this stress I have put on another 5lbs.
I am pissed off.
I put so much work into losing about 34 lbs at one point. now I am only 20 lbs down.
So my point of this long story is to just show you my weight struggle the past 5 years. I have always struggled with my weight but this is the worst its been.
Its sad, and hard. For my dearest baby you would think I would be able to lose some weight. My fertility chances would raise dramatically and my pregnancy would be lower risk and healthier.
But I love food. I crave food, and depending on my mood I just don't get full. If it is in front of me I will eat it.
I need to get back to making better choices. Since I have quit smoking I have picked up snacking like crazy. Instead of going outside to smoke I go to the kitchen and grab something. We eat fast food WAYYYYYYYYY less and we go out drinking wayyyy less!! So we are healthier yet. I am still freaking FAT!
Its very frustrating. Why when I want something so bad do I fail?? Why do I self sabotage??
So my goal is to meal plan for everyday. So I know what I can eat tomorrow. and I will fight to keep those decisions.
Not for baby this time..... just for me.....For my health, my life, my happiness.
I want to move. I want to exercise. I want to release my stress with out going to food to comfort me. I have come soooo far in my habits and my lifestyle. And for that I am grateful and truly amazed. I am a different person...a BETTER person. Now I need to attack my stress relief. It is going to take some hard work and some planning, but I can do this.
This is the most recent pic of me from 3 weeks ago. Best i can do for full body. :) Its me and dad that has recently lost 80 lbs. He should be my inspiration! Too bad I rarely see or talk to him...
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Dreaming
I have been dreaming for the last couple of months of something I have never dreamed of before. Its surprisingly not of baby. I have been dreaming of gardening. Since pinterest has changed my world, I have been really getting into gardening.Via pinterest. I want to do veggies and herbs and stuff, but mostly I want flowers. I am dreaming of potting and planting and making my future house a beautiful english cottage from the outside. I go on pinterest and day dream and pin and read and look. About many things, but this is really inspiring for me.
This is what is funny about it. I have had 5 flower pots for the past 2 summers. I start out LOVING them, but the end of August they are dead..... This doesn't spell green thumb to me.... yet I cant stop dreaming of gardening.
I dream of sitting in backyard oasis on Saturday mornings with my coffe watching hummingbirds, and listening to the birds. I dream of afternoons catching a tan drinking sweet sun tea and plucking weeds. I think of evenings and watering the plants while I do a devotional in my gazebo. I dream of cocktails and campfires at night. I think of the herbs I could grow to spice up my recipes for free. I think of the salads I could make so garden fresh. I think of canning salsa with my tomatoes and peppers and cilantro and onions. I dream of retiring from my backyard oasis of flowers and veggies and herbs and birds to my house. With my crafty projects and my cats.
It might be just as I call it. a dream....but I hope part of this will become my reality.... even just a small part.
Dearest Baby,
I cant wait until you can join me in my dreams of my backyard oasis. Playing while I work. In the sprinkler on a hot summer day. Learning to walk in the grass. Running around. Napping in the gazebo while I read. More dreaming... again maybe just a small piece of this will become our reality.
Love your dearest Mommy.
This is what is funny about it. I have had 5 flower pots for the past 2 summers. I start out LOVING them, but the end of August they are dead..... This doesn't spell green thumb to me.... yet I cant stop dreaming of gardening.
I dream of sitting in backyard oasis on Saturday mornings with my coffe watching hummingbirds, and listening to the birds. I dream of afternoons catching a tan drinking sweet sun tea and plucking weeds. I think of evenings and watering the plants while I do a devotional in my gazebo. I dream of cocktails and campfires at night. I think of the herbs I could grow to spice up my recipes for free. I think of the salads I could make so garden fresh. I think of canning salsa with my tomatoes and peppers and cilantro and onions. I dream of retiring from my backyard oasis of flowers and veggies and herbs and birds to my house. With my crafty projects and my cats.
It might be just as I call it. a dream....but I hope part of this will become my reality.... even just a small part.
Dearest Baby,
I cant wait until you can join me in my dreams of my backyard oasis. Playing while I work. In the sprinkler on a hot summer day. Learning to walk in the grass. Running around. Napping in the gazebo while I read. More dreaming... again maybe just a small piece of this will become our reality.
Love your dearest Mommy.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tea Time
I was inspired by a post from PCOS Diva. It was about her Tea time. SO I decided I will make my own post about my tea time. I was so excited to read the benefits of tea on her blog, and this isn't such a bad habit after all. I have always loved tea. Mostly iced tea and an occasional cup of hot tea. Well when I quit smoking I started eating instead. I gained 10 lbs, and freaked out so I still walk in the kitchen when I might normally have went to smoke. Now I go and make some tea. I started out having about 3 cups a night. Now I have about 1 cup a night. There is something truly therapeutic about night time tea. Its a time I exhale, and dream on pinterest, veg out watching TV, reflect on how in love I am with my husband and my cats, and my life. Sometimes its so easy to get wrapped up in what I want and what I am not getting. How stressful life is, and how much my husband pisses me off. When you stop exhale and sip slowly on nice hot tea your thoughts turn positive and you remember how much God has truly blessed you. I also remember Gabe once said to me in the midst of an emotional melt down of tears and gasps and woe is me I WANT A BABY. He said " why cant you just be happy with me and the cats...I am..." This melted my heart and my tears stopped. I remember how I used to float around in pure gratitude that I had the love of my life, cats, an apartment, a job, great family, and lots of fun. Now it feel like I always want more. I want a house. I want to make more money. I want to have a family of my own. I forget to be IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE. I forget to fall on my knees in gratitude to God for his grace and mercy, and thank him for my husband and my family and my cats and my life. Because its great. It is truly great. Just as it is. being broke. not owning a home. no kids. Just me, my husband, my family, and my cats. Tea reminds me of this. To stop and be thankful for life. So here are some pictures of my night time ritual.
Dearest Baby,
I will be thankful for you 100% of the time. This I promise. I wont need night time tea to remind me. But maybe I better stick to my night time tea just so I remember to be a positive person :)
I hope you will be growing soon my Dearest baby. I already love you.
Love your dearest Mommy
Dearest Baby,
I will be thankful for you 100% of the time. This I promise. I wont need night time tea to remind me. But maybe I better stick to my night time tea just so I remember to be a positive person :)
I hope you will be growing soon my Dearest baby. I already love you.
Love your dearest Mommy
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Judgment
This weekend I spent just me and my parents dogs. House sitting. I thought I was going to fix all the issues with their new naughty puppy, and I was going to implement some good training techniques. Well to my shock and surprise that naughty puppy wore me ragged. I had a break down on Friday. Then when all things calmed down and me and the dogs were snuggling on the chair, and I started reading my book... my sister walked in unannounced and uninvited and it all started again. I was then rude to my sister and brought this up 3 times over the next 2 days.
I learned 2 things from this.
#1 I judged my parents ability and skill with taking on a new puppy.
#2 I always make a point of spilling my negative feelings toward people. I can't keep it in.
Why do I judge people? Why do I think I know what is right what is wrong? How people are. What they do. It is silly, and I make excuses for why I do it. I tell my self I am helping them. I am helping them be a better person by telling them what they really should do.
Well I learned everything I said to my mom about Teddy and tips and tricks and blah blah. Well she is doing it and she does it better than me. I was wrong. I judged wrong.
I have a bad habit of trying to fix every one's problems. I judge the situation and then tell them what to do to fix it... and I am probably wrong most of the time. If people want advise they will ask, and when I give my opinion I will do it nicely.
And #2 to Tara.... I am just sorry that I was rude.... another thing I need to learn to keep my mouth shut when I am annoyed... It did no good to tell you that I was annoyed... I cant even think of what you did wrong. I was just crabby... and I wanted you to be sorry for it! Ugh... I hate being so imperfect....
on a lighter note this picture makes me really happy.
Dearest baby,
I am going to try to accept you just the way you are. I will try to show you what I know so you can be the best you, you can be. I know you will make mistakes and "annoy" me. But I will love you anyways. I will try to save my advise for when you are seeking. All these little lessons I learn they are for you too!
Love,
Your Dearest Mommy
I learned 2 things from this.
#1 I judged my parents ability and skill with taking on a new puppy.
#2 I always make a point of spilling my negative feelings toward people. I can't keep it in.
Why do I judge people? Why do I think I know what is right what is wrong? How people are. What they do. It is silly, and I make excuses for why I do it. I tell my self I am helping them. I am helping them be a better person by telling them what they really should do.
Well I learned everything I said to my mom about Teddy and tips and tricks and blah blah. Well she is doing it and she does it better than me. I was wrong. I judged wrong.
I have a bad habit of trying to fix every one's problems. I judge the situation and then tell them what to do to fix it... and I am probably wrong most of the time. If people want advise they will ask, and when I give my opinion I will do it nicely.
And #2 to Tara.... I am just sorry that I was rude.... another thing I need to learn to keep my mouth shut when I am annoyed... It did no good to tell you that I was annoyed... I cant even think of what you did wrong. I was just crabby... and I wanted you to be sorry for it! Ugh... I hate being so imperfect....
on a lighter note this picture makes me really happy.
Dearest baby,
I am going to try to accept you just the way you are. I will try to show you what I know so you can be the best you, you can be. I know you will make mistakes and "annoy" me. But I will love you anyways. I will try to save my advise for when you are seeking. All these little lessons I learn they are for you too!
Love,
Your Dearest Mommy
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
2011
Now that it is a new year 2011 is such a blur, and I am confused on what I really feel about 2011.
I love this year for my spiritual growth. I grew so much closer to God. It is truly beautiful. I love church, and I love everything I have learned, and I have so much more to grow and to learn and to change. And for this I love 2011.
I did not take any pictures from Jan1st 2011 - Dec 25th 2011 I think this is because my year was pretty uneventful. I took boring Cell phone pics and that is it. This is something I would like to change for 2012. Document my life with pictures!
We saved lots of money! I got a new position at work and a raise! For this I am grateful!
We decided to buy a house!
We found a house !
We were very unsuccessful trying to conceive. Then in September I was put on Femara on top of the Metformin and the supplements. I ovulated and got a period in November and December!!
I am soooo excited to say I have ovulated 2 times in a row, and I have not had to have my cycle induced since the end of September beginning of October. For this I am grateful!!
We ended the year in major stress with the buying of the house and the short sale, and the condo being sold out from under us. Though we have now figured this out. Unfortunately I have let that burned in my brain and I forget the wonderful things that happened.
So I am very excited for what 2012 has to throw my way.
Dearest Baby,
I thought 2011 I would make you and you would be growing. I was sadly wrong, but I think we have made some progress and that is what counts. My relationship with God is better and that is most important thing. Especially it is through God that I will be blessed with the miracle of one day meeting you! Well Baby cheers to 2012 and hopefully this will be the year!
Love your Dearest Mommy!
A peaceful picture of my fishing sight last summer. A simple reminder for me to keep my peace through the present Chaos!
I love this year for my spiritual growth. I grew so much closer to God. It is truly beautiful. I love church, and I love everything I have learned, and I have so much more to grow and to learn and to change. And for this I love 2011.
I did not take any pictures from Jan1st 2011 - Dec 25th 2011 I think this is because my year was pretty uneventful. I took boring Cell phone pics and that is it. This is something I would like to change for 2012. Document my life with pictures!
We saved lots of money! I got a new position at work and a raise! For this I am grateful!
We decided to buy a house!
We found a house !
We were very unsuccessful trying to conceive. Then in September I was put on Femara on top of the Metformin and the supplements. I ovulated and got a period in November and December!!
I am soooo excited to say I have ovulated 2 times in a row, and I have not had to have my cycle induced since the end of September beginning of October. For this I am grateful!!
We ended the year in major stress with the buying of the house and the short sale, and the condo being sold out from under us. Though we have now figured this out. Unfortunately I have let that burned in my brain and I forget the wonderful things that happened.
So I am very excited for what 2012 has to throw my way.
Dearest Baby,
I thought 2011 I would make you and you would be growing. I was sadly wrong, but I think we have made some progress and that is what counts. My relationship with God is better and that is most important thing. Especially it is through God that I will be blessed with the miracle of one day meeting you! Well Baby cheers to 2012 and hopefully this will be the year!
Love your Dearest Mommy!
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