Do you ever feel like you are running, but aren't going anywhere?
yelling, but nobody hears you?
Screaming, but no sound comes out?
Crying, but no tears are coming?
I have expressed my feeling of being stuck. It is getting to me. This is more about a house than a baby, but its that too. Its all of it. I am running, but not getting anywhere. I am going as fast and furiously as I can , but its not working. I am drowning. I can't move. I can't lose weight, and I can't get pregnant. Its so frustrating. I have been focusing on the things I can do, but I hit a wall. I have broken down.It hurts and no one really understands. Not even my husband. He has this unbelievable ability to live in the moment. It is what it is attitude. I am a bit of a dreamer I guess. That is what makes us work. I dream and go and he is calm in the storm and lives in the moment. But what happens when I break. When I dream, but can't go. That is what keeps me ME. That is what I do that is my job. That is how I am successful. That is how I fullfil my roll.
I am dreaming, but I can not make it work. It is out of my control. But I refuse to stop trying. I need to be happy with where I am and make it work and be happy in it. But I am having a hard time giving it all up. I pray and pray and pray. Begging to give it to God. To help me have a better attitude. To help me be happy with where I am and what I have. I am stuck. I might as well make the best of it. But living in 710 sq feet surrounded by boxes and clutter is driving me mad. I can't take it anymore. I need to move. I need to have a home I can take pride in. I don't want to hate my home anymore. And that is what this has all done. So I can give up waiting for my short sale to come through. But I can't, I LOVE that house its been 6 months of waiting, what is a few more.... I must make it through this storm. But why do I melt down.... I am sure everyone that knows me hates me right now. I am the world's biggest bitch. And I can't help myself. I cry more than I have ever cried in my life. When people try to help me I don't accept it. When they don't say a word I feel alone. I am alone. I have created my own hell in my own head. How do I deal with stress. Why isnt this working. I am sure God is carrying me through more than I know. I think to myself this is not that big of a deal. Why am I so stressed out? I think its a combination of everything. I have a dream and I just can't reach it. I am not ready to give up. The feeling of being out of control is hard. I want a home to hang my heart and have a safe place that is my own. I have grown to hate where I am living. So I don't have that place to go to let my hair down and relax. Because where I am living is the source of my stress. Outside of that I am at work,and good lord that is stressful enough.
But I can do this. I can do anything with God. I might be crazy, and shit stay far far away. But this too shall pass. Don't mind the cloud above my head. Don't mind my bitchiness. Don't mind my depression. I am broken right now, but I will mend. It could be soo much worse.....