Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Chasing Dreams

Do you ever feel like you are running, but aren't going anywhere?
yelling, but nobody hears you?
Screaming, but no sound comes out?
Crying, but no tears are coming?
I have expressed my feeling of being stuck. It is getting to me. This is more about a house than a baby, but its that too. Its all of it. I am running, but not getting anywhere. I am going as fast and furiously as I can , but its not working. I am drowning. I can't move. I can't lose weight, and I can't get pregnant. Its so frustrating. I have been focusing on the things I can do, but I hit a wall. I have broken down.It hurts and no one really understands. Not even my husband. He has this unbelievable ability to live in the moment. It is what it is attitude. I am a bit of a dreamer I guess. That is what makes us work. I dream and go and he is calm in the storm and lives in the moment. But what happens when I break. When I dream, but can't go. That is what keeps me ME. That is what I do that is my job. That is how I am successful. That is how I fullfil my roll.
I am dreaming, but I can not make it work. It is out of my control. But I refuse to stop trying. I need to be happy with where I am and make it work and be happy in it. But I am having a hard time giving it all up. I pray and pray and pray. Begging to give it to God. To help me have a better attitude. To help me be happy with where I am and what I have. I am stuck. I might as well make the best of it. But living in 710 sq feet surrounded by boxes and clutter is driving me mad. I can't take it anymore. I need to move. I need to have a home I can take pride in. I don't want to hate my home anymore. And that is what this has all done. So I can give up waiting for my short sale to come through. But I can't, I LOVE that house its been 6 months of waiting, what is a few more.... I must make it through this storm. But why do I melt down.... I am sure everyone that knows me hates me right now. I am the world's biggest bitch. And I can't help myself. I cry more than I have ever cried in my life. When people try to help me I don't accept it. When they don't say a word I feel alone. I am alone. I have created my own hell in my own head. How do I deal with stress. Why isnt this working. I am sure God is carrying me through more than I know. I think to myself this is not that big of a deal. Why am I so stressed out? I think its a combination of everything. I have a dream and I just can't reach it. I am not ready to give up. The feeling of being out of control is hard. I want a home to hang my heart and have a safe place that is my own. I have grown to hate where I am living. So I don't have that place to go to let my hair down and relax. Because where I am living is the source of my stress. Outside of that I am at work,and good lord that is stressful enough.
But I can do this. I can do anything with God. I might be crazy, and shit stay far far away. But this too shall pass. Don't mind the cloud above my head. Don't mind my bitchiness. Don't mind my depression. I am broken right now, but I will mend. It could be soo much worse.....

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