Thursday, May 24, 2012


Tommorow (singing) Tomorrow is only a day aaaaawwwaaaaaayyyyyy (singing) I am truly having a hard time containing my excitment. I am pretty much worthless at work. I am already caught up... who wants to go above and beyond on a day like today!! To top things off on this excitement scale. I think I ovulated!!!!! I don't know for sure as I wasn't temping or using the sticks. But according to my sore breasts and zits I ovulated sometime between Thursday and Sunday!!!!!! This makes me happy. Even if it doesnt end up in pregnancy the first step in my journey is to have a successful ovulation. This would be my 5th cylce and my 4 th ovulation!! whoo hooo!! all in the last 8 months or so! But right now I can hardly work because my mind is on getting off work to get ready for the big day TOMORROW!!! I need paint and my cashiers check, and the truck, and dinner! and then pack every single morsel left over after packing 95% of the house already. I really can't wait. I am sure I will be up until the butt crack of dawn in antipation, and of course we have to be up quite early to get a head start moving before we close... eeekkksss!!! so excited! 

Friday, May 18, 2012


Okay trying so hard to crawl my way back to ME! Sick of being depressed and depressing! Getting packed and ready to move in 1 week! Me being stuck NO LONGER baby! oh and I lost 6 lbs! hee hee! so exciting. and Did I mention I got my period a few weeks ago! I never even celebrated. That was without meds! Go me! Ok and I can officially be excited for my sister. I think it stopped hurting. I feel guilty for my feelings, but I can't dwell on them. That only makes it worse. And a person can't help their feelings. its all about the reactions. I think I am going to do Joyce Meyers Mind control devotional on you version, and maybe even buy the book. I know I am fragile, but I am sick of being sick. Its time to move and be better! I also made a decision that I am not going to go back to the doctor until fall. I am going to give baby making the summer off. I of course will still be trying with supplements and health and controlling my insulin, but as far as meds. I will give it a break! unless I keep getting my period I will keep refilling my femara! But if not well thats ok. I will wait until fall to go back to the doctors. I need a stress break. This summer is all about me!
These are the listing pics of the house! Once I move I will update more!

Dearest Baby,
Hang in there! Your mommy will be better soon! And then it will be a perfect time to come to this world! God just has to teach me a few more lessons before I am ready to be your mommy!
With all my love,
Your Dearest Mommy!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Jesus heals the bleeding women...

On Wednessday the 9th at 8am I found out my sister is pregnant! I bawled my eyes out and dropped to my knees to thank God. I was so excited I could hardly work all day. I kept crying and crying. My husband started working nights last week so Wednessday night I was home alone waiting and waiting for my sister to tell my Mom and Dad. During the lonely hours the sadness snuck in. I realized I am the oldest of 5 and and 2 of my younger siblings are prego! and my brother and his girlfriend are a decade and more younger! I never in my life thought they would beat me to parenthood! Now my sister, that is only 2 years younger, I always knew she would beat me to parenthood. Anyways, during the lonely hours of waiting to talk to my mom the "I am such a looser why can't I do this" feeling sorry for myself sunk in. I feel like everyone is pregnant, and I will be so late everyone's kids will be way older than mine. I will have no mommy friends. I always wanted my sister and I to get pregnant together. and I feel like that dream is gone. I know I have a while and we can still consider our kids the same in age, but it feels not very probable. I have 2 elephants sitting on my chest for the last 8 months or so. 1 being moving out of my 710 sq ft condo. 2 being motherhood. I have been stuck for 8 months. unable to move any of it. 1 weight will be lifted soon. We are moving!! in 11 days! I can't wait. I am trying so hard to focus on that, but I can't seem to. I just have this sadness surrounding my heart. It hurts. On Wednesday when I spoke to my mother I broke. I shattered. My soul broke into a million pieces. I can't put it back together quite yet. The saddness squeezed my heart until I lost my breath and I couldn't see. The sobs came from deep inside me. The pain of the past 5 years all escaping at 1 time. The volcano erupted. The lava being anger. I am ANGRY with myself. I have failed the most important thing in this world. I have failed motherhood. I don't know why. I know what to do. I know where God is calling me. But I am failing even him. My anger is ugly. It keeps me away. I am stuck in this black hole and I am embarassed by it. Now people are noticing. They are feeling sorry for me. I just want people to ignore it and me. I will get better by myself. I just need to learn how to look forward again. I am stuck right now. I am stuck in a condo that I hate. I stuck being a fat cow, and I am stuck as an infertile turtle. I just have to find my motivation. I know what I am motivated to do. I just need to feel the motivation. Once I move I will feel better. I am going to focus on that house and landscaping. I am going to start exercising, and I have already started a healthier diet. I will continue to push my limits with that. I am going to start juicing. I am going to dream away my sisters pregnancy with names and baby decorations and crocheting and sewing projects and registries and a baby shower. and all that fun stuff. I am going to heal. I will let tomorrow worry about itself. For now I will sniffle my tears. Put a bandaid on my heart, and find my happiness again. I will grow closer to God so I can find his help. I will heal. I will peal myself from sadness grasp. I will give anger a middle finger. I will brush myself off from the feelings of hopelessness and despair. I will smile again. I will heal. I have faith in Gods plan, its just the walking blindly I need help with. Every pregnancy in the last 2 years I have been apart of has hurt soooooooooo badly. and each pregnancy I hear about hurts worse than the last. The closer the person is to me the more it hurts. Because I want to raise my kids with them. I want my kids to have cousins close in age. No body understands the pain of being baren. Nobody understands what it is like to know a solution to your problem and fail yourself continuously. I am beginning to hate myself. I am my biggest enemy. Its been over 5 fucking years! it has been almost 2 years of medications. it has been 7 months of me failing a medication that my body has responded to. I keep fucking it up. I know what to do yet I am not doing it. Its time to change and be motivated. I am hoping my desire to preggo with my sister and have kids with cousins close in age will be just the ticket.... I am hoping I can swallow my anger and grow closer to God so walking blindly wont be as hard. I need to heal. I need to heal from my anger. I need to heal from my stress. I need to heal from my hurt. I need to get healthy. Physically and spiritually. That is my mission. Make myself a home, and get healthy! This is what I will do. I will heal and get healthy. a baby will follow. But more importantly the darkness on my soul will lift. It has to lift before a baby can grow. I need to not care about all the people that think I can't get pregnant because I am fat. I need to not care what people think at all. This is my mission not theirs. I need to ignore judgements. I need to stop trying to explain PCOS and insulin resistance. I just need to know for myself and worry about myself. Not educate the country. I need to stop caring that people don't get it. I just need to get myself healthy. the way I know how. Not how "she" knows how. I need to tell myself nice things. not mean things. I am mean to myself. I am hard on myself. and I need to stop. I need to heal.