Life is good!! My little girl can now probably survive ICU if she were to be born! It feels amazing! My belly is getting big, and I am loving feeling her move all the time. She still has quiet days and times, but I pretty consistantly feel her move. I can only on accident sometimes get a feel for her on the outside of my belly. She is apparently sitting spine to spine with me and I am working on Yoga to get that little girl to move forward and in birthing posisiton! I have some time I know, but per my midwives advise I am starting now being she favors it soo much back there. I do have a bit of sciatic pain from it, but its kind of fun because it keeps aware of which side she is on today! Here are some family Pics we had taken this past weekend.
4th generation of girls coming soon!
me and my pregnant sister, and my little brother with his girl. I was 22 weeks in this picture. South Dakota baby shower we attended for my little bro.
15-17 weeks of pregnancy really showed a few sides. Some amazing things happened, and some not so amazing things. It is definitely a time I will never forget and always Cherish!
I really started showing during this time. That was amazing. I have felt the baby move a handful of times!!!! That was beyond amazing!! My love for this baby went 10 fold, and I didn't think that was possible!
15 weeks I felt the baby move 2 times!! weird as that is!! soo early! And I went to our best friends wedding, and wore a super cute dress that accentuated my bump!
16 weeks insecurities reared its ugly head! I dressed like a slob, and felt fat fat fat! my non round belly bump had me in quite the slump! and a few jerks even mentioned it! I think I felt a few flutters this week, but oddly enough not as strong as the 2 I felt in week 15. However at my doc appointment my midwife told me how incredible I was doing! I also found out I had 6 new cavities..... yuck!!!
17 weeks I put on 5 lbs that week and my belly kind of popped. still not round... though I don't think I will ever have a round belly. I will be an oval belly girl. Which I am tying to go with. I got sick of being a slob, and I went maternity clothes shopping!! Love it!! I feel soooo much better!!! I am workin it! did up my nails, and got cute clothes, and showing off this bump of mine!!
17 weeks also had its trials... ROUND LIGAMENT PAIN AND INJURY!!!!!
OWE OWE OWE... I officially have to get up from a sitting position like a grandma, and be ohhh sooo careful. Most painful!!! But my body can go through lots of pain, as long as that baby continues to grow oh soo strong!
I am starting to tackle my most embarrassing pregnancy symptom... this might be TMI, but I struggle with extreme excess watery discharge!! EEEEWWWWWW I know! But I am getting the hang of managing this disgusting problem! and hey that makes me feel better, and after reading many blogs and forums...I am soo not alone in this issue! Thank God! I felt like a disgusting freak of nature! Now I just need to work on being more sexy for my honey. My self esteem really took a hit, and I don't even feel remotely sexy... But I think I have a plan to conquer.... its called a lingerie! to hide my insecurities a bit! and feel more sexy. I am sure the man will appreciate!
I will let ya'all know how it goes!
Time is starting fly by. Where did August go my goodness! My belly bump is really starting to be prominent! I love this! I still have insecurities, because a lot of it is my chub still. But It is what it is. Baby bumps make your chub stick out making baby bump look bigger than it is... I am just trying to rock it!
I was at a wedding this weekend. I loved my dress. Here is a close up of the bump!
In the beggining of week 15 I felt the baby move 2 times!!!! Well I think I did anyways... it was like a finger tip tapping my inside very low down. I only noticed it those 2 times because I was by chance laying very still and very relaxed... I have not felt it since :( It was soo amazing I can't wait to feel it over and over and over again. It made my heart fill with pure joy. Like nothing else in this world matters just that tiny bump bump.
My pregnancy has been going AMAZING. I really only have minor complaints. Mostly I feel totally normal I just pee alot. I can't wait to find out if I am having a boy or a girl. I found out my sister is having a girl!!!! So excited to have my first niece! At first I thought my baby was girl undoubtedly and dreamt of a little girl and wanted a little girl. I now think its a boy, and now I kind of want a boy instead. My husband wants a boy BADLY! Obviously I swing both ways. Whatever that little sweet baby is I will sway in that direction. Which is a big relief. I really thought I wanted a girl and that I might be disappointed if its a boy. And now oddly enough I want a boy instead... but would still be ecsatic if its a girl. What ever dearest baby is... this dearest mommy can't wait to find out!!
I hate wishing my pregnancy away. I love being pregnant, but I am more excited about having the baby. I just don't think I am one of those women who are into pregnancy. In fact knowing I will have to be pregnant for 9 months might sway me in waiting for baby #2 longer than I would wait otherwise. I never thought I would be this way. I thought I would be in love with being pregnant. And it might change as the baby starts moving around and stuff and I get bigger. But I can't help but feel that I can't wait til sweeet baby gets in my arms! Now don't get me wrong I am not complaining about pregnancy or saying I don't enjoy it. I am just simply more excited to have a baby and be a mother. I thought I would be more into pregnancy and I am not feeling that way. I am more into being a mother... and can't wait!
It has been 14 weeks since you were made :) its funny I wrote your auntie Tara an email on that Monday. I told her I had ovulated on Sunday, and that I was pregnant and you were going to be born on Valentines day. Less than 4 weeks later I took a pregnancy test,1 week after we moved into our 1st house, and it was positive!!!! I went through shear joy. I would dance in my head and praise God. I went through scared times, that you would not stay with me. I went through 3 weeks of feeling like crap and having serious issues with food. The day you were measured you were small, and changed my due date later to VALENTINES DAY! LOL!!! I just knew it! :) Everysingle night I praise God. I cry in pure joy. I talk to you. I tell you to feel the warmth and love you are wrapped in. Its God's love and my love. If you can remember being wrapped in this love, it will guide you through life. I am putting together all my plans and ideas. I feel so completely blessed. I love you already. I almost know you already. I wonder what you will be like. But the love that is developing feels so familiar as if it is the love I have been waiting for my entire life. What I was made for. Gods intention all along. I can't wait to meet you. I don't mind being pregnant, but I wouldn't mind skipping the whole thing, and meeting you! I will try to be more patient for you!
In my mind I am really showing! I know I know I still look like I need to lay off the doughnuts, but to me its just so dramatic. This was taken the other night after work. I couldn't stop staring at myself! Still feeling great, and I am doing good with the weight gain. I hope I can keep it up. I notice my appetite is picking up... and I want to snack on junk like all the time... which is nooo good.. So I am a bit worried. I also notice that my stomach is ITCHING like crazy! I hope that means I will be rounding out soon! I want to be noticeably pregnant by my girlfriends wedding on the 25th of August. I will be 15 1/2 weeks!
my chubby middle section I think confuses my tiny bump. Sometimes making it appear larger than it is, and sometimes makes a round belly more difficult to see...
but I am just trying not to dwell on that. I am just trying to be happy with the baby bump, and show it off as much as possible.
My work is being HORRIBLE about my pregnancy I have officially made a vow not to talk about it to them anymore at all. I almost feel harassed. The worst part is they are my superiors....
Such is life as a mother in the professional world. Next time I will play my cards differently when it comes to the work place!
I heard the heartbeat with my sisters dopler! Very hard to find and keep on the doppler, but it was there and we found it twice! whoo hooo. I can't describe the joy of that feeling! the relief it brings. The peace to my heart. I think I could just listen to the ebb and flow for hours in happiness.
For some reason I have had return of the nausea and I threw up for the 1st time!! It was HORRIBLE, and it was in public at my girlfriends bachelorette dinner party! OYE VEY! But my energy is so much better and over all I feel GREAT!
It was fun to see people this past weekend I haven't seen since I found out I was pregnant and they noticed my belly whoo hoo!!
My shirt isnt very tight so its not super noticable, but if you notice from last week its a lot less bloating (higher belly) and more lower belly poking out. fun change! Before I was sooo bloated higher up it was rock hard! It looked like I was carrying super high!
So all my symptoms have pretty much gone away. I do not have nausea anymore. My boobs don't hurt as much at all. I am starting to get my energy back. I still have my little pudgey and I still have to get up once a night to pee. Very unlike my old self. I sleep like a rock!
All of a sudden out of no where I am scared as hell my little lovey died. I saw the heart beat at 6 weeks and I had so many symptoms I didnt think much of it. When my symptoms started to disapate my belly grew and I gained 2 lbs in a week and I outgrew my pants. Now the paranoia snuck in.
2 days shy of 2 weeks and I have my 12 weeks appointment to hear the heart beat. Please please please!
Enevitably me being paranoid, stressing, crying, worrying won't make 1 second of difference. the outcome will be the same either way. So I might as well enjoy the stage I am at. Shout it from the roof tops and enjoy! But that sneaky evil son of bitch Worry sneaks up on me!
But today I am going to kick worry in the ass and enjoy and sneak secret rubs and baby whispers whenever I can.
Worry is a misuse of imagination. ~Dan Zadra
If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. ~Don Herold
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. ~Mark Twain
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. ~Author Unknown
Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which will never happen. ~James Russel Lowell
If things go wrong, don't go with them. ~Roger Babson
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia
Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. ~Benjamin Franklin
A hundredload of worry will not pay an ounce of debt. ~George Herbert
As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. ~Thomas A. Edison
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow. ~Swedish Proverb
Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow. ~Philip Gulley
Don't fight with the pillow, but lay down your head
And kick every worriment out of the bed.
~Edmund Vance Cooke
Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~Mary C. Crowley
I am excited to announce I outgrew my pants!! whoo hoo!
I actually have some sores on my belly from the pressure. its seems ok standing but hard to sit even with pants un zipped. But I still love it! I think I might start just wearing stretch pant leggings every single day! and buy some more summer dresses. I really dont like haveing the uncomfortableness of pants.
I pretty much look like I need to lay off the doughnuts. But I know how much I grew underneath my chub!
I think its hard when you start with a chubby belly. Because in 1 way I look bigger than I am, and in another way (sitting down) its not round at all anymore I just look extra chubby!
I think I am not going to care what anyone else says and just start rockin the prego belly. and if they make fun of me behind my back for my extra chub or the fact that it loses the round shape when I sit. They are a sad individual. I know and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it and that is all that matters. Only my mother has noticed I am bigger. And thats ok too! I know!
Well I have been holding off for a little while sorting out all my emotions! But its true I am 8 weeks pregnant today!!
I am so beyond happy I can't explain it. I can't stop thanking God every day. I am scared. I am scared it will go away! We already got a heart beat! and everything seems great! but its still scary non the less. I don't want this to go away. I have been battling sick and lazy. Like cannot get off the couch. But I am sooooo happy happy happy happy. I wouldn't trade the sick for the world! I am just so grateful. I am feeling sooo overwhelmed with future decisions and planning. Mostly about work and daycare. Money is a big stress. But I don't care. I am just so grateful.
Thank you God! THANK YOU!!
I talk to you everyday growing healhty and strong. I keep you as a strong subject of prayer and hopefully you can feel my love and Gods love wrapping you tight and keeping you safe. My Dearest Baby we didn't have to wait any longer! Its here and you are growing! Sometimes it make me so happy it doesn't seem real. I cry some times holding my belly where grow. I cry in prayer thanking God.
I will be meeting you in a few days over 7 months. I can't wait my lovey!! Until then stay put, stay strong, stay healthy, and grow like crazy!
Ok so I FINALLY moved!!! its been great! I moved almost 3 weeks ago!! My has time flown!!
There was a huge change in plans for the big move, and it went great! I had almost a week off work and got a lot unpacked. Now is the dirty job. 3 weeks later and we still have to go through all of our "junk" boxes! We just keep procrastinating!
I will have to get more pics of my Garden, and flowers and different things. It has been soo wonderful! I feel this giant weight lifted from my shoulders. I love my house!
P.s I haven't had my period since my I think I ovulated 4 weeks ago!! Doctor on Monday! Can't wait!
Tommorow (singing) Tomorrow is only a day aaaaawwwaaaaaayyyyyy (singing) I am truly having a hard time containing my excitment. I am pretty much worthless at work. I am already caught up... who wants to go above and beyond on a day like today!! To top things off on this excitement scale. I think I ovulated!!!!! I don't know for sure as I wasn't temping or using the sticks. But according to my sore breasts and zits I ovulated sometime between Thursday and Sunday!!!!!! This makes me happy. Even if it doesnt end up in pregnancy the first step in my journey is to have a successful ovulation. This would be my 5th cylce and my 4 th ovulation!! whoo hooo!! all in the last 8 months or so! But right now I can hardly work because my mind is on getting off work to get ready for the big day TOMORROW!!! I need paint and my cashiers check, and the truck, and dinner! and then pack every single morsel left over after packing 95% of the house already. I really can't wait. I am sure I will be up until the butt crack of dawn in antipation, and of course we have to be up quite early to get a head start moving before we close... eeekkksss!!! so excited!
Okay trying so hard to crawl my way back to ME! Sick of being depressed and depressing! Getting packed and ready to move in 1 week! Me being stuck NO LONGER baby! oh and I lost 6 lbs! hee hee! so exciting. and Did I mention I got my period a few weeks ago! I never even celebrated. That was without meds! Go me! Ok and I can officially be excited for my sister. I think it stopped hurting. I feel guilty for my feelings, but I can't dwell on them. That only makes it worse. And a person can't help their feelings. its all about the reactions. I think I am going to do Joyce Meyers Mind control devotional on you version, and maybe even buy the book. I know I am fragile, but I am sick of being sick. Its time to move and be better! I also made a decision that I am not going to go back to the doctor until fall. I am going to give baby making the summer off. I of course will still be trying with supplements and health and controlling my insulin, but as far as meds. I will give it a break! unless I keep getting my period I will keep refilling my femara! But if not well thats ok. I will wait until fall to go back to the doctors. I need a stress break. This summer is all about me!
These are the listing pics of the house! Once I move I will update more!
Hang in there! Your mommy will be better soon! And then it will be a perfect time to come to this world! God just has to teach me a few more lessons before I am ready to be your mommy!
With all my love,
Your Dearest Mommy!
On Wednessday the 9th at 8am I found out my sister is pregnant! I bawled my eyes out and dropped to my knees to thank God. I was so excited I could hardly work all day. I kept crying and crying.
My husband started working nights last week so Wednessday night I was home alone waiting and waiting for my sister to tell my Mom and Dad. During the lonely hours the sadness snuck in. I realized I am the oldest of 5 and and 2 of my younger siblings are prego! and my brother and his girlfriend are a decade and more younger! I never in my life thought they would beat me to parenthood! Now my sister, that is only 2 years younger, I always knew she would beat me to parenthood. Anyways, during the lonely hours of waiting to talk to my mom the "I am such a looser why can't I do this" feeling sorry for myself sunk in. I feel like everyone is pregnant, and I will be so late everyone's kids will be way older than mine. I will have no mommy friends. I always wanted my sister and I to get pregnant together. and I feel like that dream is gone. I know I have a while and we can still consider our kids the same in age, but it feels not very probable.
I have 2 elephants sitting on my chest for the last 8 months or so. 1 being moving out of my 710 sq ft condo. 2 being motherhood. I have been stuck for 8 months. unable to move any of it. 1 weight will be lifted soon. We are moving!! in 11 days! I can't wait. I am trying so hard to focus on that, but I can't seem to. I just have this sadness surrounding my heart. It hurts.
On Wednesday when I spoke to my mother I broke. I shattered. My soul broke into a million pieces. I can't put it back together quite yet. The saddness squeezed my heart until I lost my breath and I couldn't see. The sobs came from deep inside me. The pain of the past 5 years all escaping at 1 time. The volcano erupted. The lava being anger. I am ANGRY with myself. I have failed the most important thing in this world. I have failed motherhood. I don't know why. I know what to do. I know where God is calling me. But I am failing even him. My anger is ugly. It keeps me away. I am stuck in this black hole and I am embarassed by it. Now people are noticing. They are feeling sorry for me. I just want people to ignore it and me. I will get better by myself. I just need to learn how to look forward again. I am stuck right now. I am stuck in a condo that I hate. I stuck being a fat cow, and I am stuck as an infertile turtle. I just have to find my motivation. I know what I am motivated to do. I just need to feel the motivation.
Once I move I will feel better. I am going to focus on that house and landscaping. I am going to start exercising, and I have already started a healthier diet. I will continue to push my limits with that. I am going to start juicing. I am going to dream away my sisters pregnancy with names and baby decorations and crocheting and sewing projects and registries and a baby shower. and all that fun stuff. I am going to heal.
I will let tomorrow worry about itself. For now I will sniffle my tears. Put a bandaid on my heart, and find my happiness again. I will grow closer to God so I can find his help. I will heal.
I will peal myself from sadness grasp. I will give anger a middle finger. I will brush myself off from the feelings of hopelessness and despair. I will smile again. I will heal.
I have faith in Gods plan, its just the walking blindly I need help with.
Every pregnancy in the last 2 years I have been apart of has hurt soooooooooo badly. and each pregnancy I hear about hurts worse than the last. The closer the person is to me the more it hurts. Because I want to raise my kids with them. I want my kids to have cousins close in age.
No body understands the pain of being baren. Nobody understands what it is like to know a solution to your problem and fail yourself continuously. I am beginning to hate myself. I am my biggest enemy. Its been over 5 fucking years! it has been almost 2 years of medications. it has been 7 months of me failing a medication that my body has responded to. I keep fucking it up.
I know what to do yet I am not doing it.
Its time to change and be motivated. I am hoping my desire to preggo with my sister and have kids with cousins close in age will be just the ticket....
I am hoping I can swallow my anger and grow closer to God so walking blindly wont be as hard.
I need to heal. I need to heal from my anger. I need to heal from my stress. I need to heal from my hurt. I need to get healthy. Physically and spiritually. That is my mission. Make myself a home, and get healthy! This is what I will do. I will heal and get healthy. a baby will follow. But more importantly the darkness on my soul will lift. It has to lift before a baby can grow.
I need to not care about all the people that think I can't get pregnant because I am fat. I need to not care what people think at all. This is my mission not theirs. I need to ignore judgements. I need to stop trying to explain PCOS and insulin resistance. I just need to know for myself and worry about myself. Not educate the country. I need to stop caring that people don't get it. I just need to get myself healthy. the way I know how. Not how "she" knows how.
I need to tell myself nice things. not mean things. I am mean to myself. I am hard on myself. and I need to stop. I need to heal.
So in the midst of the houseing chaos we are currently in and me screwing up cycle #4. I have stopped TTC. I am taking no supplements or medications. I stopped. I am focusing on the getting a house and moving. I think I am a hair away from insanity. But in moments of peace I have been doing a lot of reading. I am so un healthy. PCOS is not curable, but it is totally treatable. I just have to change. Its like diabetes. Not curable just treatable. You have to change your life. Its hard. But I am finding my motivation. There is a flaw I have to over come. This flaw is instant gratification. The desire to be a mother is strong. So strong I dream of it and day dream of it. I feel it with my entire being and heart. The problem is it feels so far away. so far in the distance. Skipping this ice cream right now will not make me pregnant. There is always tomorrow. This is not working. In the moment the instant gratification will always come. I am fueling myself currently with motivation. I have stepped away. I am reading and learning. It is not just about making my dearest baby. That will be the greatest gift God will ever bless me with, but in the moment it is more than that. I do not want my insulin to surge. I want to feel good. I want my body to feel good. I want my body to look good. I do not want the sluggish fatigued feeling. I do not want this feeling of shame.I do not want my baby to be faced with my same demons. I can change this and I can change it all now. I will feel great I will get more if I can accomplish this. This is more than diet and exercise. This is feeling good. This is eating clean. This is preparation and motivation and health. Stopping diabetes IR PCOS and Obesity in its tracks. Not letting them control me. Breaking free. Caring for the body God gave me. Loving the body God gave me. Utelizing the body God gave me. Now since reading all the homeopathic remedies and what benefits a healthy lifestyle can truly bring I am feeling called back to the Natural way. Once I move I will go back to progestrone and femara for my cycles, as I was ovulating on this regimen, I am going to get back into supplements again. and I am going to keep fueling my motivation and knowledge until I decide to take the plunge again.
My first change I am going to be implementing while I am doing this is going to be quitting coffee. I start my morning off every morning with an insulin and caffiene surge. Which always results in cravings and crashes later. I need to start my day off much better. I would like to start making protein shakes in the mornings.
This is a huge step for me. So I need to mull over it for a few more weeks and Take the plunge when I am ready. Headaches will last for 7-10 days they say.... this fact scareS me to death. Quitting smoking was bad enough... the thought of giving up another beloved vice and feeling crap before it gets better just sucks...
Ok... so ya know the expression "Fertile Mertles"?
Well my sister, and I decided we are "infertile turtles" I might have explained this in a previous post. If so, sorry for the repition.
Anyways, over easter some cousins, my sister, and I were talking about trying to have babies, and would you believe there were 5 of us that have difficulty having babies. Also just out of people we know there are quite a few of us that have difficulties! I find it very bizarre. I feel like it is becoming an epidemic! I would be quite curious to know the statistics of infertility in women today. I feel like God and clean eating are the answer. But that is so much easier said than done for, like, EVERYONE!! sheesh!
Speaking of, the above said things, I really need to strengthen my faith and get back on board with a healthier life style. It seems like I take 3 steps forward, and like 7 steps back. Over the last week I have gained an additional 5 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel bloated and defeated. But its a Monday, and there is one beautiful thing about Mondays... ITS A NEW WEEK!!
I have some left overs and an event that will put a cramp in my style this week, but I am really going to try to embrace hungry.
I am constantly in a state of fear that I might get a hunger pain if I don't eat first.I am eating way too much.
I am really going to try to Embrace hunger.... its not that horrible after all.... what am I so scared of?? Being skinny??
I have said this before,and I am goign to say it again, I want to dedicate myself to your health and well being! I will do everything in my power to teach you healthy lifestyles and eating habits. And I hope you are way better at it than I am! I do not want you to go through these struggles, and deal with food addiction and obsesity!
Ok so I have been laying low on the baby making. With the turmoil of the house for the last 6 months... we officially lost the house. The new search starts this week!! I screwed up my femara, and didn't ovulate on cycle 4. I never got my period since. So in frustration of it all I have given up until I move. I have been avoiding the topic all together.
Well today my sister posted about her struggles with TTC on Facebook. she is on month 18 has ovulated 5 times now, and still no baby. Well she posted on facebook, and all people comments about having patience and it will happen,don't think about it, and I understand it took 7 months for me to get prego with baby #2.
I am about to rage so if you don't like cussing do NOT read futher...
here is what I have to say to all that bull shit...
FUCK ALL OF YOU.
YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT!
BOO FUCKING HOOO IT TOOK LESS THAN A YEAR TO CONCIEVE BABY #2.... REALLY THAT DOESN'T FUCKING COMPARE.
DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO HAVE PATIENCE. WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BABY MAKING FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS WITH NO LUCK, WHEN YOU OVULATED 3 TIMES AND LOST IT ON THE 4TH, THEN I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PATIENCE SPEACH... FUCK YOU.
WHEN YOU HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, AND HAVE ONLY HIT THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG IN OPTIONS AND CAN'T AFFORD TO MOVE ON THEN I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR BULL SHIT... FUCK YOU.
DON'T TELL ME IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT HASN'T HAPPENED IN 5 YEARS.
DON'T TELL ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND IT WILL HAPPEN. BECAUSE LET ME CLUE YOU IN ON IT.... I HAVE TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE NOT THINKING ABOUT MEANS I WON'T OVULATE YOU FUCKING GENIUS. I HAVE TO ACUTALLY TRY. I HAVE TO GIVE IT THOGHT.
LETS TRY THIS. THE NEXT PERSON THAT TELLS ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT I AM GOING TO PUNCH THEM IN THE NOSE AND TELL THEM NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND THE BLEEDING WILL GO AWAY.
LET ME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
I think I feel better. This was not even my post ON FACEBOOK. But my feelings run deep, and I keep them burried. But sometimes certain things trigger this reaction. Certain times it just bubbles up and explodes.
I will put my feelings back in my heart tucked way in the back. Where no one can touch it, and no one can soothe it.
I will place my entire heart and soul into God's hands for keeping, and feel peace again.
after all I am 100% ok with whatever God decides. If I never have a child. Its ok if that is what God wants.
But please understand sometimes I can only be human and I fall and fail. My emotions will rush and logic will not come. My heart will pound and anger will take over. But with God's help I can wrangle myself back together. And I will have peace again.
Maybe I will get better at it! Maybe not...
either way I want to be a mother. I want a baby. And talking to people helps and hurts all at the same time.
I am getting bitter. Words people say are making it worse not better. I think I need to keep to myself more and pray harder to keep the bitterness at bay.
But to my sister. I love you, and I understand! I swear I do. I have the best positive feelings in regards to your situation. I know you will give me a little niece or nephew to love and spoil. Please don't get bitter like me. Keep your peace through God, and wait on God's perfect will. Stay positive. and Tomorrow I will be positive about myself again. Just a little slip up... for today...and when you slip up and get angry... I will understand!! I promise! I will just let you yell it out girl! I won't stop you!
Do you ever feel like you are running, but aren't going anywhere?
yelling, but nobody hears you?
Screaming, but no sound comes out?
Crying, but no tears are coming?
I have expressed my feeling of being stuck. It is getting to me. This is more about a house than a baby, but its that too. Its all of it. I am running, but not getting anywhere. I am going as fast and furiously as I can , but its not working. I am drowning. I can't move. I can't lose weight, and I can't get pregnant. Its so frustrating. I have been focusing on the things I can do, but I hit a wall. I have broken down.It hurts and no one really understands. Not even my husband. He has this unbelievable ability to live in the moment. It is what it is attitude. I am a bit of a dreamer I guess. That is what makes us work. I dream and go and he is calm in the storm and lives in the moment. But what happens when I break. When I dream, but can't go. That is what keeps me ME. That is what I do that is my job. That is how I am successful. That is how I fullfil my roll.
I am dreaming, but I can not make it work. It is out of my control. But I refuse to stop trying. I need to be happy with where I am and make it work and be happy in it. But I am having a hard time giving it all up. I pray and pray and pray. Begging to give it to God. To help me have a better attitude. To help me be happy with where I am and what I have. I am stuck. I might as well make the best of it. But living in 710 sq feet surrounded by boxes and clutter is driving me mad. I can't take it anymore. I need to move. I need to have a home I can take pride in. I don't want to hate my home anymore. And that is what this has all done. So I can give up waiting for my short sale to come through. But I can't, I LOVE that house its been 6 months of waiting, what is a few more.... I must make it through this storm. But why do I melt down.... I am sure everyone that knows me hates me right now. I am the world's biggest bitch. And I can't help myself. I cry more than I have ever cried in my life. When people try to help me I don't accept it. When they don't say a word I feel alone. I am alone. I have created my own hell in my own head. How do I deal with stress. Why isnt this working. I am sure God is carrying me through more than I know. I think to myself this is not that big of a deal. Why am I so stressed out? I think its a combination of everything. I have a dream and I just can't reach it. I am not ready to give up. The feeling of being out of control is hard. I want a home to hang my heart and have a safe place that is my own. I have grown to hate where I am living. So I don't have that place to go to let my hair down and relax. Because where I am living is the source of my stress. Outside of that I am at work,and good lord that is stressful enough.
But I can do this. I can do anything with God. I might be crazy, and shit stay far far away. But this too shall pass. Don't mind the cloud above my head. Don't mind my bitchiness. Don't mind my depression. I am broken right now, but I will mend. It could be soo much worse.....