Thursday, April 19, 2012
Back to natural
So in the midst of the houseing chaos we are currently in and me screwing up cycle #4. I have stopped TTC. I am taking no supplements or medications. I stopped. I am focusing on the getting a house and moving. I think I am a hair away from insanity. But in moments of peace I have been doing a lot of reading. I am so un healthy. PCOS is not curable, but it is totally treatable. I just have to change. Its like diabetes. Not curable just treatable. You have to change your life. Its hard. But I am finding my motivation. There is a flaw I have to over come. This flaw is instant gratification. The desire to be a mother is strong. So strong I dream of it and day dream of it. I feel it with my entire being and heart. The problem is it feels so far away. so far in the distance. Skipping this ice cream right now will not make me pregnant. There is always tomorrow. This is not working. In the moment the instant gratification will always come. I am fueling myself currently with motivation. I have stepped away. I am reading and learning. It is not just about making my dearest baby. That will be the greatest gift God will ever bless me with, but in the moment it is more than that. I do not want my insulin to surge. I want to feel good. I want my body to feel good. I want my body to look good. I do not want the sluggish fatigued feeling. I do not want this feeling of shame.I do not want my baby to be faced with my same demons. I can change this and I can change it all now. I will feel great I will get more if I can accomplish this. This is more than diet and exercise. This is feeling good. This is eating clean. This is preparation and motivation and health. Stopping diabetes IR PCOS and Obesity in its tracks. Not letting them control me. Breaking free. Caring for the body God gave me. Loving the body God gave me. Utelizing the body God gave me. Now since reading all the homeopathic remedies and what benefits a healthy lifestyle can truly bring I am feeling called back to the Natural way. Once I move I will go back to progestrone and femara for my cycles, as I was ovulating on this regimen, I am going to get back into supplements again. and I am going to keep fueling my motivation and knowledge until I decide to take the plunge again.
My first change I am going to be implementing while I am doing this is going to be quitting coffee. I start my morning off every morning with an insulin and caffiene surge. Which always results in cravings and crashes later. I need to start my day off much better. I would like to start making protein shakes in the mornings.
This is a huge step for me. So I need to mull over it for a few more weeks and Take the plunge when I am ready. Headaches will last for 7-10 days they say.... this fact scareS me to death. Quitting smoking was bad enough... the thought of giving up another beloved vice and feeling crap before it gets better just sucks...
Monday, April 9, 2012
Lotsa Infertile Turtles!!
Ok... so ya know the expression "Fertile Mertles"?
Well my sister, and I decided we are "infertile turtles" I might have explained this in a previous post. If so, sorry for the repition.
Anyways, over easter some cousins, my sister, and I were talking about trying to have babies, and would you believe there were 5 of us that have difficulty having babies. Also just out of people we know there are quite a few of us that have difficulties! I find it very bizarre. I feel like it is becoming an epidemic! I would be quite curious to know the statistics of infertility in women today. I feel like God and clean eating are the answer. But that is so much easier said than done for, like, EVERYONE!! sheesh!
Speaking of, the above said things, I really need to strengthen my faith and get back on board with a healthier life style. It seems like I take 3 steps forward, and like 7 steps back. Over the last week I have gained an additional 5 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel bloated and defeated. But its a Monday, and there is one beautiful thing about Mondays... ITS A NEW WEEK!!
I have some left overs and an event that will put a cramp in my style this week, but I am really going to try to embrace hungry.
I am constantly in a state of fear that I might get a hunger pain if I don't eat first.I am eating way too much.
I am really going to try to Embrace hunger.... its not that horrible after all.... what am I so scared of?? Being skinny??
Dearest Baby,
I have said this before,and I am goign to say it again, I want to dedicate myself to your health and well being! I will do everything in my power to teach you healthy lifestyles and eating habits. And I hope you are way better at it than I am! I do not want you to go through these struggles, and deal with food addiction and obsesity!
Love,
Your Dearest Mommy
Well my sister, and I decided we are "infertile turtles" I might have explained this in a previous post. If so, sorry for the repition.
Anyways, over easter some cousins, my sister, and I were talking about trying to have babies, and would you believe there were 5 of us that have difficulty having babies. Also just out of people we know there are quite a few of us that have difficulties! I find it very bizarre. I feel like it is becoming an epidemic! I would be quite curious to know the statistics of infertility in women today. I feel like God and clean eating are the answer. But that is so much easier said than done for, like, EVERYONE!! sheesh!
Speaking of, the above said things, I really need to strengthen my faith and get back on board with a healthier life style. It seems like I take 3 steps forward, and like 7 steps back. Over the last week I have gained an additional 5 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel bloated and defeated. But its a Monday, and there is one beautiful thing about Mondays... ITS A NEW WEEK!!
I have some left overs and an event that will put a cramp in my style this week, but I am really going to try to embrace hungry.
I am constantly in a state of fear that I might get a hunger pain if I don't eat first.I am eating way too much.
I am really going to try to Embrace hunger.... its not that horrible after all.... what am I so scared of?? Being skinny??
Dearest Baby,
I have said this before,and I am goign to say it again, I want to dedicate myself to your health and well being! I will do everything in my power to teach you healthy lifestyles and eating habits. And I hope you are way better at it than I am! I do not want you to go through these struggles, and deal with food addiction and obsesity!
Love,
Your Dearest Mommy
Monday, April 2, 2012
Fit of rage
Ok so I have been laying low on the baby making. With the turmoil of the house for the last 6 months... we officially lost the house. The new search starts this week!! I screwed up my femara, and didn't ovulate on cycle 4. I never got my period since. So in frustration of it all I have given up until I move. I have been avoiding the topic all together.
Well today my sister posted about her struggles with TTC on Facebook. she is on month 18 has ovulated 5 times now, and still no baby. Well she posted on facebook, and all people comments about having patience and it will happen,don't think about it, and I understand it took 7 months for me to get prego with baby #2.
I am about to rage so if you don't like cussing do NOT read futher...
here is what I have to say to all that bull shit...
FUCK YOU
FUCK ALL OF YOU.
YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT!
BOO FUCKING HOOO IT TOOK LESS THAN A YEAR TO CONCIEVE BABY #2.... REALLY THAT DOESN'T FUCKING COMPARE.
DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO HAVE PATIENCE. WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BABY MAKING FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS WITH NO LUCK, WHEN YOU OVULATED 3 TIMES AND LOST IT ON THE 4TH, THEN I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PATIENCE SPEACH... FUCK YOU.
WHEN YOU HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, AND HAVE ONLY HIT THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG IN OPTIONS AND CAN'T AFFORD TO MOVE ON THEN I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR BULL SHIT... FUCK YOU.
DON'T TELL ME IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT HASN'T HAPPENED IN 5 YEARS.
DON'T TELL ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND IT WILL HAPPEN. BECAUSE LET ME CLUE YOU IN ON IT.... I HAVE TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE NOT THINKING ABOUT MEANS I WON'T OVULATE YOU FUCKING GENIUS. I HAVE TO ACUTALLY TRY. I HAVE TO GIVE IT THOGHT.
LETS TRY THIS. THE NEXT PERSON THAT TELLS ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT I AM GOING TO PUNCH THEM IN THE NOSE AND TELL THEM NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND THE BLEEDING WILL GO AWAY.
LET ME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
ok.....
I think I feel better. This was not even my post ON FACEBOOK. But my feelings run deep, and I keep them burried. But sometimes certain things trigger this reaction. Certain times it just bubbles up and explodes.
I will put my feelings back in my heart tucked way in the back. Where no one can touch it, and no one can soothe it.
I will place my entire heart and soul into God's hands for keeping, and feel peace again.
after all I am 100% ok with whatever God decides. If I never have a child. Its ok if that is what God wants.
But please understand sometimes I can only be human and I fall and fail. My emotions will rush and logic will not come. My heart will pound and anger will take over. But with God's help I can wrangle myself back together. And I will have peace again.
Maybe I will get better at it! Maybe not...
either way I want to be a mother. I want a baby. And talking to people helps and hurts all at the same time.
I am getting bitter. Words people say are making it worse not better. I think I need to keep to myself more and pray harder to keep the bitterness at bay.
But to my sister. I love you, and I understand! I swear I do. I have the best positive feelings in regards to your situation. I know you will give me a little niece or nephew to love and spoil. Please don't get bitter like me. Keep your peace through God, and wait on God's perfect will. Stay positive. and Tomorrow I will be positive about myself again. Just a little slip up... for today...and when you slip up and get angry... I will understand!! I promise! I will just let you yell it out girl! I won't stop you!
Well today my sister posted about her struggles with TTC on Facebook. she is on month 18 has ovulated 5 times now, and still no baby. Well she posted on facebook, and all people comments about having patience and it will happen,don't think about it, and I understand it took 7 months for me to get prego with baby #2.
I am about to rage so if you don't like cussing do NOT read futher...
here is what I have to say to all that bull shit...
FUCK YOU
FUCK ALL OF YOU.
YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT!
BOO FUCKING HOOO IT TOOK LESS THAN A YEAR TO CONCIEVE BABY #2.... REALLY THAT DOESN'T FUCKING COMPARE.
DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO HAVE PATIENCE. WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BABY MAKING FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS WITH NO LUCK, WHEN YOU OVULATED 3 TIMES AND LOST IT ON THE 4TH, THEN I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PATIENCE SPEACH... FUCK YOU.
WHEN YOU HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, AND HAVE ONLY HIT THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG IN OPTIONS AND CAN'T AFFORD TO MOVE ON THEN I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR BULL SHIT... FUCK YOU.
DON'T TELL ME IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT HASN'T HAPPENED IN 5 YEARS.
DON'T TELL ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND IT WILL HAPPEN. BECAUSE LET ME CLUE YOU IN ON IT.... I HAVE TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE NOT THINKING ABOUT MEANS I WON'T OVULATE YOU FUCKING GENIUS. I HAVE TO ACUTALLY TRY. I HAVE TO GIVE IT THOGHT.
LETS TRY THIS. THE NEXT PERSON THAT TELLS ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT I AM GOING TO PUNCH THEM IN THE NOSE AND TELL THEM NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND THE BLEEDING WILL GO AWAY.
LET ME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
ok.....
I think I feel better. This was not even my post ON FACEBOOK. But my feelings run deep, and I keep them burried. But sometimes certain things trigger this reaction. Certain times it just bubbles up and explodes.
I will put my feelings back in my heart tucked way in the back. Where no one can touch it, and no one can soothe it.
I will place my entire heart and soul into God's hands for keeping, and feel peace again.
after all I am 100% ok with whatever God decides. If I never have a child. Its ok if that is what God wants.
But please understand sometimes I can only be human and I fall and fail. My emotions will rush and logic will not come. My heart will pound and anger will take over. But with God's help I can wrangle myself back together. And I will have peace again.
Maybe I will get better at it! Maybe not...
either way I want to be a mother. I want a baby. And talking to people helps and hurts all at the same time.
I am getting bitter. Words people say are making it worse not better. I think I need to keep to myself more and pray harder to keep the bitterness at bay.
But to my sister. I love you, and I understand! I swear I do. I have the best positive feelings in regards to your situation. I know you will give me a little niece or nephew to love and spoil. Please don't get bitter like me. Keep your peace through God, and wait on God's perfect will. Stay positive. and Tomorrow I will be positive about myself again. Just a little slip up... for today...and when you slip up and get angry... I will understand!! I promise! I will just let you yell it out girl! I won't stop you!
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