Ok so I have been laying low on the baby making. With the turmoil of the house for the last 6 months... we officially lost the house. The new search starts this week!! I screwed up my femara, and didn't ovulate on cycle 4. I never got my period since. So in frustration of it all I have given up until I move. I have been avoiding the topic all together.
Well today my sister posted about her struggles with TTC on Facebook. she is on month 18 has ovulated 5 times now, and still no baby. Well she posted on facebook, and all people comments about having patience and it will happen,don't think about it, and I understand it took 7 months for me to get prego with baby #2.
I am about to rage so if you don't like cussing do NOT read futher...
here is what I have to say to all that bull shit...
FUCK ALL OF YOU.
YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT!
BOO FUCKING HOOO IT TOOK LESS THAN A YEAR TO CONCIEVE BABY #2.... REALLY THAT DOESN'T FUCKING COMPARE.
DON'T FUCKING TELL ME TO HAVE PATIENCE. WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BABY MAKING FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS WITH NO LUCK, WHEN YOU OVULATED 3 TIMES AND LOST IT ON THE 4TH, THEN I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PATIENCE SPEACH... FUCK YOU.
WHEN YOU HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, AND HAVE ONLY HIT THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG IN OPTIONS AND CAN'T AFFORD TO MOVE ON THEN I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR BULL SHIT... FUCK YOU.
DON'T TELL ME IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT HASN'T HAPPENED IN 5 YEARS.
DON'T TELL ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND IT WILL HAPPEN. BECAUSE LET ME CLUE YOU IN ON IT.... I HAVE TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE NOT THINKING ABOUT MEANS I WON'T OVULATE YOU FUCKING GENIUS. I HAVE TO ACUTALLY TRY. I HAVE TO GIVE IT THOGHT.
LETS TRY THIS. THE NEXT PERSON THAT TELLS ME NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT I AM GOING TO PUNCH THEM IN THE NOSE AND TELL THEM NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND THE BLEEDING WILL GO AWAY.
LET ME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
I think I feel better. This was not even my post ON FACEBOOK. But my feelings run deep, and I keep them burried. But sometimes certain things trigger this reaction. Certain times it just bubbles up and explodes.
I will put my feelings back in my heart tucked way in the back. Where no one can touch it, and no one can soothe it.
I will place my entire heart and soul into God's hands for keeping, and feel peace again.
after all I am 100% ok with whatever God decides. If I never have a child. Its ok if that is what God wants.
But please understand sometimes I can only be human and I fall and fail. My emotions will rush and logic will not come. My heart will pound and anger will take over. But with God's help I can wrangle myself back together. And I will have peace again.
Maybe I will get better at it! Maybe not...
either way I want to be a mother. I want a baby. And talking to people helps and hurts all at the same time.
I am getting bitter. Words people say are making it worse not better. I think I need to keep to myself more and pray harder to keep the bitterness at bay.
But to my sister. I love you, and I understand! I swear I do. I have the best positive feelings in regards to your situation. I know you will give me a little niece or nephew to love and spoil. Please don't get bitter like me. Keep your peace through God, and wait on God's perfect will. Stay positive. and Tomorrow I will be positive about myself again. Just a little slip up... for today...and when you slip up and get angry... I will understand!! I promise! I will just let you yell it out girl! I won't stop you!