Monday, May 14, 2012

Jesus heals the bleeding women...

On Wednessday the 9th at 8am I found out my sister is pregnant! I bawled my eyes out and dropped to my knees to thank God. I was so excited I could hardly work all day. I kept crying and crying. My husband started working nights last week so Wednessday night I was home alone waiting and waiting for my sister to tell my Mom and Dad. During the lonely hours the sadness snuck in. I realized I am the oldest of 5 and and 2 of my younger siblings are prego! and my brother and his girlfriend are a decade and more younger! I never in my life thought they would beat me to parenthood! Now my sister, that is only 2 years younger, I always knew she would beat me to parenthood. Anyways, during the lonely hours of waiting to talk to my mom the "I am such a looser why can't I do this" feeling sorry for myself sunk in. I feel like everyone is pregnant, and I will be so late everyone's kids will be way older than mine. I will have no mommy friends. I always wanted my sister and I to get pregnant together. and I feel like that dream is gone. I know I have a while and we can still consider our kids the same in age, but it feels not very probable. I have 2 elephants sitting on my chest for the last 8 months or so. 1 being moving out of my 710 sq ft condo. 2 being motherhood. I have been stuck for 8 months. unable to move any of it. 1 weight will be lifted soon. We are moving!! in 11 days! I can't wait. I am trying so hard to focus on that, but I can't seem to. I just have this sadness surrounding my heart. It hurts. On Wednesday when I spoke to my mother I broke. I shattered. My soul broke into a million pieces. I can't put it back together quite yet. The saddness squeezed my heart until I lost my breath and I couldn't see. The sobs came from deep inside me. The pain of the past 5 years all escaping at 1 time. The volcano erupted. The lava being anger. I am ANGRY with myself. I have failed the most important thing in this world. I have failed motherhood. I don't know why. I know what to do. I know where God is calling me. But I am failing even him. My anger is ugly. It keeps me away. I am stuck in this black hole and I am embarassed by it. Now people are noticing. They are feeling sorry for me. I just want people to ignore it and me. I will get better by myself. I just need to learn how to look forward again. I am stuck right now. I am stuck in a condo that I hate. I stuck being a fat cow, and I am stuck as an infertile turtle. I just have to find my motivation. I know what I am motivated to do. I just need to feel the motivation. Once I move I will feel better. I am going to focus on that house and landscaping. I am going to start exercising, and I have already started a healthier diet. I will continue to push my limits with that. I am going to start juicing. I am going to dream away my sisters pregnancy with names and baby decorations and crocheting and sewing projects and registries and a baby shower. and all that fun stuff. I am going to heal. I will let tomorrow worry about itself. For now I will sniffle my tears. Put a bandaid on my heart, and find my happiness again. I will grow closer to God so I can find his help. I will heal. I will peal myself from sadness grasp. I will give anger a middle finger. I will brush myself off from the feelings of hopelessness and despair. I will smile again. I will heal. I have faith in Gods plan, its just the walking blindly I need help with. Every pregnancy in the last 2 years I have been apart of has hurt soooooooooo badly. and each pregnancy I hear about hurts worse than the last. The closer the person is to me the more it hurts. Because I want to raise my kids with them. I want my kids to have cousins close in age. No body understands the pain of being baren. Nobody understands what it is like to know a solution to your problem and fail yourself continuously. I am beginning to hate myself. I am my biggest enemy. Its been over 5 fucking years! it has been almost 2 years of medications. it has been 7 months of me failing a medication that my body has responded to. I keep fucking it up. I know what to do yet I am not doing it. Its time to change and be motivated. I am hoping my desire to preggo with my sister and have kids with cousins close in age will be just the ticket.... I am hoping I can swallow my anger and grow closer to God so walking blindly wont be as hard. I need to heal. I need to heal from my anger. I need to heal from my stress. I need to heal from my hurt. I need to get healthy. Physically and spiritually. That is my mission. Make myself a home, and get healthy! This is what I will do. I will heal and get healthy. a baby will follow. But more importantly the darkness on my soul will lift. It has to lift before a baby can grow. I need to not care about all the people that think I can't get pregnant because I am fat. I need to not care what people think at all. This is my mission not theirs. I need to ignore judgements. I need to stop trying to explain PCOS and insulin resistance. I just need to know for myself and worry about myself. Not educate the country. I need to stop caring that people don't get it. I just need to get myself healthy. the way I know how. Not how "she" knows how. I need to tell myself nice things. not mean things. I am mean to myself. I am hard on myself. and I need to stop. I need to heal.

1 comment:

  1. im sorry you are going through so much. I know you are on the path to healing, and you are doing so FABULOUS. Keep it up! I can't wait til you move closer to me!! 9 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!