Its hard to be thankful for what I have. It is hard to not wallow in my self pity!
For some people life seems to go smoothly and everything has a way of working itself out. And for others they seem to struggle so much more. Lately I feel like our path has been really tough. For the most part I am right on that middle line. But lately nothing seems to be going our way.
I know the answer is to have faith in God and not worry. That everything will work itself out. I am seeing that so far. I have been FLIPPING out because it looks like we are going to be homeless in a days notice anyday now. I had a complete and utter melt down. Today I accidentally met the buyer of where we are living. He offered us to be able to rent the unit from him month to month!!! we have to pay 175 more a month! OYE but it will be worth it for us not to have to move twice!
Fertility has fallen to the back burner right now with the unbelievable stress of this move. I was charting horribly this month. and now I think I ovulated, but I do NOT know when. Part of me wonders if I am pregnant. I didnt think I ovulated as of day 20 and now I take it back. looking at my trends I may have. or I ovulated after day 20. I just dont know! OYE!! I am sure I am not pregnant that would just be too good to be true. Even though right now would feel like HORRIBLE timing! I want to be in prime condition for my baby not have this awful stress. I dont know if that is a good environment for my baby to start. But if God has blessed me on this month it is perfect. I trust that.
I find I trust God and his timing and his path for me. But when I am amongst the unknown I dont do well. I don't want to be this way. I want to continue absolute trust at all times no matter what.
But that is so much easier said than done!!
No matter what I love you. No matter what happens in my life or how much chaos none of it will matter but you. For you I will be your anchor. For you I will make it work no matter what. For you I will do anything. I am not perfect and I don't handle stress well. but for you dearest I will try my hardest to make sure you feel the effects as little as possible. For you I will do my best.
My dearest baby it is all for you. All for the thought of you. All for the dream of you. All for the love of you! All for the hope that I will one day meet you.
Your Dearest Mommy