Waiting

I am sick of waiting! I am sick of waiting to hear about our house. I am sick of waiting to hear if we are homeless or not. I am sick of waiting to see if I ovulated. I am sick of waiting to take my first maybe prego test. I am sick of waiting.

Lord please bless me with patience and please bless me RIGHT NOW!

So on the good news note! I am super duper happy to announce that I got my period folks! Whoo HOO! and yes I am celebrating, because this is month 2 I ovulated and got a period. I am thinking my dearest baby will be growing soon :) I hope I hope! Please Please Please!

Now I just have to WAIT to see if I can ovulate for month 3 and hopefully make us a baby!

I can't say it is ideal timing, but I don't care. And I don't care 1 little bit. I am sicking of WAITING for the right timing. I am sick WAITING for my baby. I am sick of WAITING for my doctors OK. I am sick of WAITING for the right meds. I am sick of WAITING until I lose more weight.

I just have to wait for God's perfect timing, and I dont know when that is exactly so I will accept it whenever that is. and if I have to continue to WAIT I suppose I will just have to suck it up and trust in Gods will. I will do what I can with the doctors help and health and meds and so forth. and leave the miracle to him!

Now this attitude is so much easier said than done. but if I do the right thing my emotions will follow. and I do believe this.

I have had a bit of a bad attitude lately. I would really like to fix this...

Dearest Baby,

I have a swelling in my heart that says I will meet you one day soon. Every minute of waiting will be worth that day.

Love,
Your Dearest Mommy

This picture was taken by TGB Photography. It was on my wedding day. It captures this beautiful inner peace that led me in the right direction through all the chaos of my mind.
Sometimes a girls mind is her biggest battle. Follow the peace, the small whisper. The light with in. If you stop and pray and find that peace the lord will show you the way. This picture shows me that. I forget most of the time, and get swept away in the chaos, but stop pray slow down and listen to God.

Christmas is coming!

I have to say I am so not in the Christmas spirit this year. With the stress of not knowing where we are going to be living upon us, and money issues, and hormones! OYE!!!
Its hard to be thankful for what I have. It is hard to not wallow in my self pity!
For some people life seems to go smoothly and everything has a way of working itself out. And for others they seem to struggle so much more. Lately I feel like our path has been really tough. For the most part I am right on that middle line. But lately nothing seems to be going our way.
I know the answer is to have faith in God and not worry. That everything will work itself out. I am seeing that so far. I have been FLIPPING out because it looks like we are going to be homeless in a days notice anyday now. I had a complete and utter melt down. Today I accidentally met the buyer of where we are living. He offered us to be able to rent the unit from him month to month!!! we have to pay 175 more a month! OYE but it will be worth it for us not to have to move twice!
Fertility has fallen to the back burner right now with the unbelievable stress of this move. I was charting horribly this month. and now I think I ovulated, but I do NOT know when. Part of me wonders if I am pregnant. I didnt think I ovulated as of day 20 and now I take it back. looking at my trends I may have. or I ovulated after day 20. I just dont know! OYE!! I am sure I am not pregnant that would just be too good to be true. Even though right now would feel like HORRIBLE timing! I want to be in prime condition for my baby not have this awful stress. I dont know if that is a good environment for my baby to start. But if God has blessed me on this month it is perfect. I trust that.
I find I trust God and his timing and his path for me. But when I am amongst the unknown I dont do well. I don't want to be this way. I want to continue absolute trust at all times no matter what.
But that is so much easier said than done!!


Dearest Baby,
   No matter what I love you. No matter what happens in my life or how much chaos none of it will matter but you. For you I will be your anchor. For you I will make it work no matter what. For you I will do anything. I am not perfect and I don't handle stress well. but for you dearest I will try my hardest to make sure you feel the effects as little as possible. For you I will do my best.
My dearest baby it is all for you. All for the thought of you. All for the dream of you. All for the love of you! All for the hope that I will one day meet you.

Love,

Your Dearest Mommy

So comfortable and with complete faith. Home is where we are as long as we are together :) That is truly what matters. LOVE

Tis the season! for stress...

I love the holidays, and the warmth and the family time, and the fresh cold winter before we all get sick of it! I love the hustle and bustle of the malls with all the people and all the gifts, and the extra stock of fun things. I love the decorations and smells and over all feel. I love the church services and the meaning behind it all. But we all know tis the season for stress! This year is a bit worse for me. My stress is higher than usual. I have the every year stress of what do I buy for whom? How much money am I spending? Where do I go when? Can I fit everyone in? The ever present family dramas. But this year I am also worried about my house. When are we going to move? Will we be able to inspect the roof? Are we ready for this? Hubby's hours got cut at work. He did fortunately make it through 3 rounds of layoffs. We are blessed! Worring about Sunday School. The Christmas program. Making it to bible study. Stress over money... stress over money... did I say stress over money?? So to make myself feel better you are never going to guess what we decided to do! This makes no sense! We SPLURGED AND BOUGHT OUR SELVES EXPENSIVE CHRISTMAS GIFTS. That was stressful enough. But I am glad we did it! it is crazy I know! But we love our Christmas gifts! LOL.
The next large stresser is my dearest baby... I ovulated last month. and this month I am on cycle day 21 and so far I dont think I have ovulated. We put our all into trying this month. So I am feeling very stressed out and disappointed. I thought this was going to be my month! I hope I am wrong. but I just don't think I am. I think last month was a fluke.... tears...
I lost a few pounds this month. but my food battles are never ending, and I seem to lose more than I win.
Not smoking is going great. Though I tend to snack more than ever before. Every once in a while I just want a ciggy BADLY.
My supplements are not going all that well. I have been thinking about starting to juice like my sister does. and picking back up on the supplements and get to ovulating again. But with this move coming up I have sooo much stress!
I have been excersing more, but not enough.
Thats the story of my life sometimes. its good, but its not enough! Its never enough.
I have had moments where I just want to give up. I have had breakdowns and meltdowns. Lots of tears and ugly emotions towards other people I have never felt before.
Jealousy is something I have never really struggled with. Lately I am a jealous girl. I don't hate anyone for what they have. But I WANT what they have. and I judge the people that have it and think of why they don't deserve it. I am feeling worried and stressed and ugly.
So I am working on giving it to God. Letting him take care of me. I am walking blind and we will see what happens. I will do the best I can with what I have. If I make a mistake it will all be ok. God will take care of me. I just have to try. I need to be thankful for what I have. Not think about what I dont have. I am soo richly blessed in this life. I cannot believe I feel sorry for myself on certain days.
Today I am thankful for my wonderful little shit of a husband :)

Dearest Baby,

Today I would like to beg of you and God, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME TO ME!!!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME BE YOUR DEAREST MOMMY!

Love,
Me

Furry Family

Dearest Baby,

Today I wanted you to meet your furry family! They don't know it yet, but they want a human sibling! For now your Dad and I treat them like our children. We are in love with them! Life wouldn't be the same with out them! They all have a very unique personalities! Daisy is shy and sweet, and likes it when things are calm and quiet. She mostly loves me. she snuggles me everynight! Jabbles is special needs! LOL. he is naughty. Mr. Hissy Pants I call him.He is soft and has great plush fur. He has huge round eyes and face. he does NOT like it when I pace, and is food obsessed! Potsie is perfect! He loves everything and everyone! Nothing scares him! But Gabe has a special place in Potsie's heart! He is a daddy's boy!

This is Daisy

This is Jabbles

                                                                      This is Potsie

I hope you have a true love for animals as much as I do. I hope you will be rewarded and blessed in life with having pets!

Love your Dearest Mommy!

Husband/Daddy

Some days I could just complain. But days like today are why I married him! I am sick you see, and he took great great care of me today. He made me lunch! and he made me dinner! He was kind, and he took care of me! COMPLETELY waited on me for dinner!
When he loves he loves deeply.
When he bonds he never lets go.
When he opens his heart it doesn't shut.
When he cares it is tenderly.
His loyalty is beautiful.
His concept is simple and perfect!
I love you Dearest Husband/Daddy!
Dearest Baby,
   You will be so lucky to feel his never ending, loyal, unconditional, LOVE!
Love,
Your Dearest Mommy!

Dreaming

Sunday ... home sick... Dreaming

Dearest Baby,
     Today I am dreaming of you. I am dreaming of your room. I am dreaming up what you will look like. I am dreaming of bassinets, of color palettes boy vs girl. I am dreaming of names. I am dreaming of loving you, holding you, singing to you, and praising God for you. I am dreaming of a million DIY baby crafts. I am dreaming of how I am going to decorate your nursery and main story baby stations. I already having sewing projects for you. I already have some things for you. I am going to keep dreaming of you baby! It is all giving me inspiration everyday to keep going and keep truckin, and keepin on keepin on.

 love,
Your Dearest Mommy

Sometimes I am not so sure this is healthy. To have it all in my head this way. What if it never comes to be? What if I am just getting my hopes so high. Can I handle the let down? Inevitably I come to the same determination every time.... no matter what I have faith in God Good Will. I also believe somewhere deep in my heart it will happen. I will meet my dearest baby! It will happen, and if not I know God's Will is perfect, and for now this is the motivation and inspiration I need....

May God Bless it! <3

Food Celebrations

One struggle I have is when people want to celebrate with food. I love it, but so HATE it.
For instance today at work we had inventory. Its dreaded so to make it all better we get donuts in the morning and when we are all done we celebrate with a pizza party. Well because of this I consumed 1300 calories by 1pm. OUCH! The sad part is that was me cutting back!! I only had 1 donut and a couple pieces of pizza. I could so have had 2 donuts and like 6 pizza squares! now that would have been OVER 2000 calories!! OUCH! So I decided I will be starving myself for the rest of the day. I will have a 400 cal dinner, and that is it! I have to succeed. It has been way to long failure. Not to mention my girlfriend is taking me out for Vietnamese tomorrow. I can NOT fail 2 days in a row! So I will starve myself all day tomorrow to look forward to Vietnamese.
I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, but when I do not want to miss out on the food celebration what other choices do I have?
If it was a normal restaurant I could look it up and order low calorie. But it is not always an option. This was I can atleast partake. Right?? hmmmm....
It comes down to science... I can eat the snickers, but I will be starving for it later. No matter what I eat if I stay under my calories I will lose weight...
See why I hate celebrating with food! it makes it oh soo much more difficult! we should celbrate getting together with a nice walk! LOL.. yeah right!

But its all ok and it is all worth it! Especially if this DEAREST MOMMY GETS TO MAKE A HEALTHY DEAREST BABY!!!

Internet Inspiration

This is a new thing for me. I find my daily life has a little kick in its step and lots of new and exciting ideas are flowing. Its like last year when I learned to crochet and sew. I found a piece of my heart that I didnt know existed! I am finding the same thing with internet inspiration. Pinterest is a HUGE contributer!! and now all these blogs! How did I live before!! =) I am starting to get pathetically organized and I have Major Ideas for when we move!!

Dearest Baby,
   You are in for it!! In a good way I hope =) I have so much inspiration and Ideas! Now lets see what I can make come to to life! I have a secret confession... I have bought you a few things.... just as motivation! and I am going to be making burp rags. I couldn't resist it was 1.50 for the entire yard of fabric. Your MiMi also bought you something... if you are a girl... but more or less that will be used for my sewing design! It will be cute baby shower gifts if I choose not to keep them... but I think I will be putting this in your hope chest =)

Love,
Your Dearest Mommy

Inspirational Blogs

I have been searching other peoples infertility blogs. I want to follow other infertile turtles (as my sis and I call ourselves) and I found mostly infertile turtles that GOT PREGO!! I ran across only a couple that still have not had kids. This is inspiring. I also ran across a few that were insanely sad. But I can just feel it in the air like God has whispered to me. I will meet my baby one day.

Dearest Baby,
     I know its true. I know I will meet you! I am going to bed tonight with my heart filled with hope and love for you!

Love,
Your Dearest Mommy

Portion Control and Calorie Counting

Portion Control and Calorie Counting.....
This is horrible!! I hate it! I am such an over eater! Day 1 I am here! and I can do this!! This is a tool for success. And to live the life I want to live! God be with me! I cannot do this with out you!

Dearest Baby,
   I hope that by me being healthier it will make a healthier you! When you are growing inside me you need to be as healthy as can be! I also want to be a good example to you. So you may not have to go through these struggles.

Love,
Your Dearest Mommy

Walking and Meditation

I started today what I hope will become a habit. I started walking, and praying at the same time. It was pretty amazing! I know I know its getting cold out... am I setting myself up for failure?? Well if I just get out and walk around the block that is better than nothing!!

Dearest Baby,
   These walks and prayers are for you. I pray for strength and gratitude and to better my life and be a better person. This will make me a better mother to you. I pray you will come. I pray I will meet you.

Love,
Your Dearest Mommy

A letter to my Baby

Dearest Baby,
     This is for you. You do not know me or your Dad yet. But one day through God's Grace you will. I wanted to write to you. So you know the journey we are taking to get to you. I will one day be your mother. I will one day hold you. I will one day love you. I will one day teach you. I will one day play with you. I will one... You see, unlike most moms and dads our journey is taking a little longer. I have what is called PCOS. I have known since high school. March of 2007 I told your Dad that it will be very difficult for me to have children. We decided right then and there, that we would try for you. September 10th 2010 I went to the doctor for doctors help to try for you. I began my real journey that day. It has not been easy. I have failed many things many times. The medication upsets my stomach, and I struggle with losing weight and changing my eating habits. Our life has changed 360 degrees in the last 5 years. We are much healthier people and much more responsible. I found a stronger path with God as well. It is through my ever growing relationship, that I know I will one day have you to hold and to love. I just have to wait for Gods perfect timing. As I wait I will write to you. A way to keep motivation and focus. After all that is what matters. not how sick the meds make me. Not measuring my successes or failures. Nothing but you my dearest baby. I have received some good news a couple of days ago!! The new meds from last month worked for having a normal cycle! I think we are getting closer! I know it is Gods miracle! You will be Gods miracle! You will be loved my dearest baby! We have an AWESOME family!!!! Your Dad is very worried you will never be here. He says he hurts about it sometimes. I cannot wait until you can meet your Dad. He will love you more than anything. I know his secrets his secret desires to be a Dad. You will love him too. You will have fun with him. And when no ones looking he LOVES to cuddle. He will do anything for those he loves. He is one of the most faithful people you will ever know. He loves his family. You will have AMAZING grandparents. They are all cheering for you to get here, and meet you. They already have a special place in their hearts for you. Even though you are not here. We will remember this journey and cherish this journey. No matter how hard it may be. It is for the better. This path is meant to be.
Love,
Your Dearest Mommy