Aminals/furries/lovey muffins

You can already guess where this is going... I am obsessed with the furry things in life! They bring me pure joy! So this will be about them! I know I have already done a post on my cats, but here is more, because I can't stop sharing my love for them!

This is Sweetie she was my 1st pet I came home with her at 18. My mom wouldn't let her leave when I moved out. But I love her forever and always visit! But my mom needed her. Empty nest syndrome is no joke.

I got some Chinchillas during apartment life. They were EXPENSIVE. Holy vet visits batman!!!!! I ended up having chins for 1 year. I went through 3!!! and when it was over I still owed 1200 bucks to my visa. Won't go that route again. I went through easily another grand on house decorations and a giant habitat bigger than me!! (which is what killed my baby chin! found him hanging in there caught on the 5th story ladder by his foot) ugh! I don't have any pics as that was during the time that my camera and laptop were stolen when my apartment was robbed. Lost about 3 years worth of pics...if only I had printed :(

Then came the cats!
first came Daisy

The pic of me in the jacket was the first moment I saw her. My heart was hers. I adopted her from some rescue. They were at petsmart when I picked her up. She was so upset being at petsmart. When she met me she clung on, and didn't want to let go. It was like she knew she was going to have a better life with me. She was my BABY!!
This is her today in her hammock!

Then came Potsie. Gabe picked him out from a shelter that was flooding out in Austin MN. Gabe kept his happy days name.

Potsie was Gabes boy from the beginning. He stayed in our guest bedroom for 2 weeks until he was fully introduced to my Daisy. Gabe slept in the guest room with him. They are attached at the hip to this day!
Her he is today!

Then came Jabbles. He was an oops. We meant to find him a better home I got him from a bad situation. By midnight we knew he was staying.... hee hee

Here is the little fatty today!

Ok I will stop with the furry pics. But I just had to do it again! I am in love !

And you better believe I will be a foster when I get a house! I hope I can one day introduce a dog to the family, but we will see how that goes. I worry about my cats becoming unhappy with them being the gems of our eyes these days.

I have to admit in moments when I succumb to infertility I swear I will become an animal hoarder. I bring myself back to reality and say I will just devote myself to animal rescue, and the caring and giving to animals.

I have this deep desire to nurture and to love and look after. My furries help me through my lows of infertility. My husband and my cats thats all I can ever ask for!

From the bottom of my heart thank you for being part of my life. I couldn't do this with out you. 

Dearest Baby,

I hope to one day share the love of animals with you! I hope that we can volunteer together, and I hope taking care of them will teach you responsibility and unselfish giving.
No one should grow up with out the love and companionship of a furry.

Love,
Your Dearest Mommy

Fighting Myself

After bible study today I came home and the first thing I went for is food. I have a bad bad bad habit of eating dinner at 530-6 then around 9pm I eat again. Not necessarily another dinner, but a large amount of junk food. lots of chips and salsa or a bowl of cereal or a quesadilla..blah blah..

Well my fat ass did it!! I made some tea and caught up on my blogs for the day! whoo hooo!

Problem... I still want to eat again.

So I am making a plan to kick this habit in the ass.

#1 Hunger is not an emergency!

#2 5 baby pickles

#3 another cup of decaf tea

#4 in moment of break down. 1/4 cup of cottage cheese.

I can do this!! I hate being fat and having food on my mind all the time. Food is a nasty drug....

Dearest Baby,

I hope you never have these struggles! I hope I can teach you the right way to eat!

Love,
Your Dearest Mommy

Favorite Pic of the day

So as I sit here at work watching my screen saver listening to a podcast (on my lunch). I decided this is my favorite picture of the day.

The best part is my sister took it. This was the beginning of her "I think I want to be a photographer" days. This is amazing, and she has come so far.

The love in my hubs eye... you can see it. I can usually feel it but not see it. But he is such a little S**T that this picture makes me giggle. Doesnt it look so romantic and loving! as if we are that way all the time.... YEAH RIGHT!! LOL. His idea of showing me he loves me is a big fart and the fan blows it in my face. or asking for a **** job. HA!! My idea of romance is a costco trip :) Hence the reason I love this picture! Captures the true feelings of our heart! After 5 years together I can still say we are still obsessed with eachother. I swear I really do actually love him more. We are WAYYY less romantic, but I love him more.

Thank you TGB photography for this picture.

Dearest Baby,
I can't wait for Auntie to take pics of you growing. In my belly and as a baby. I am sure she will capture priceless photos, and our home will become a TGB photography museum! LOL.

Love,
Your Dearest Mommy

I think I screwed up...

Sooo I am on cycle day 27 today, and I still have not ovulated... I think I screwed up. I have ovulated 3 months in a row... for the first time EVER.

This is all due to my new meds (that I DID NOT think would work)

This month I forgot 2 days in a row of my meds. then took the remaining. Issue - I only take them cycle day 3-7.... so I took them cycle days 3,4,6,9

I think I screwed it up.... DAMNIT!

and last month I had no chance of pregnancy either because I ovulated when I was out of town with out my husband for 5 days.

SERIOUSLY... this is crazy I want a baby more than anything, and I keep failing!

totally frustrated....

But on the bright side. I still ovulated 3 months!!! My life has been CRAZY the last couple of months.. I think its ok Jan and Feb I screwed up... at least I ovulated right?? That is the first step! figuring out my patterns and timing sex is next!

The Heavy Truth

I have been watching a documentary on 4 people that were roughly 700 lbs that have undergone surgery. I know I am no where near 700 lbs. But I still relate.
I have a food addiction.
I am an emotional eater.
I refuse to say how much I weigh. But I am going to refer to my weight by my current goal. My Current goal is to lose 50 lbs. So I am going to say I weigh 50 lbs.
When I met my husband I weighed 5-10 lbs. I gained about 60-65 lbs. SO at my biggest weight ever I weighed 70 lbs.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself when I weighed 70 lbs. My husband was also at his biggest weight. which was about 255-260 so he was very large too. He was working a cubicle job and was in a band. He was eating fast food non stop. I was eating out every single day if not twice a day. We were big drinkers on the weekends and then we would go get fast food 2am and go home and go to bed. we would wake up and go get chipotle. we would go get burger king for dinner. I would sit in my recliner every single night and smoke cigarettes and drink sugar pop. Ironically I didnt really snack, but eating out twice a day took care of that!
I started doing better at work and eating out less and cooking more. I lost about 20 lbs. I was about 50 lbs. this is where I was last year when I got married. I continued to lose weight. To be exact I got down to 36 lbs.
Then I quit smoking cigarettes.
I gained about 10 lbs.
Lately with all this stress I have put on another 5lbs.
I am pissed off.
I put so much work into losing about 34 lbs at one point. now I am only 20 lbs down. 

So my point of this long story is to just show you my weight struggle the past 5 years. I have always struggled with my weight but this is the worst its been.

Its sad, and hard. For my dearest baby you would think I would be able to lose some weight. My fertility chances would raise dramatically and my pregnancy would be lower risk and healthier.

But I love food. I crave food, and depending on my mood I just don't get full. If it is in front of me I will eat it.

 I need to get back to making better choices. Since I have quit smoking I have picked up snacking like crazy. Instead of going outside to smoke I go to the kitchen and grab something. We eat fast food WAYYYYYYYYY less and we go out drinking wayyyy less!! So we are healthier yet. I am still freaking FAT!

Its very frustrating. Why when I want something so bad do I fail?? Why do I self sabotage??

So my goal is to meal plan for everyday. So I know what I can eat tomorrow. and I will fight to keep those decisions.

Not for baby this time..... just for me.....For my health, my life, my happiness.

I want to move. I want to exercise. I want to release my stress with out going to food to comfort me. I have come soooo far in my habits and my lifestyle. And for that I am grateful and truly amazed. I am a different person...a BETTER person. Now I need to attack my stress relief. It is going to take some hard work and some planning, but I can do this.

This is the most recent pic of me from 3 weeks ago. Best i can do for full body. :) Its me and dad that has recently lost 80 lbs. He should be my inspiration! Too bad I rarely see or talk to him...

Dreaming

I have been dreaming for the last couple of months of something I have never dreamed of before. Its surprisingly not of baby. I have been dreaming of gardening. Since pinterest has changed my world, I have been really getting into gardening.Via pinterest. I want to do veggies and herbs and stuff, but mostly I want flowers. I am dreaming of potting and planting and making my future house a beautiful english cottage from the outside. I go on pinterest and day dream and pin and read and look. About many things, but this is really inspiring for me.
This is what is funny about it. I have had 5 flower pots for the past 2 summers. I start out LOVING them, but the end of August they are dead..... This doesn't spell green thumb to me.... yet I cant stop dreaming of gardening.
I dream of sitting in backyard oasis on Saturday mornings with my coffe watching hummingbirds, and listening to the birds. I dream of afternoons catching a tan drinking sweet sun tea and plucking weeds. I think of evenings and watering the plants while I do a devotional in my gazebo. I dream of cocktails and campfires at night. I think of the herbs I could grow to spice up my recipes for free. I think of the salads I could make so garden fresh. I think of canning salsa with my tomatoes and peppers and cilantro and onions. I dream of retiring from my backyard oasis of flowers and veggies and herbs and birds to my house. With my crafty projects and my cats.
It might be just as I call it. a dream....but I hope part of this will become my reality.... even just a small part.

Dearest Baby,
I cant wait until you can join me in my dreams of my backyard oasis. Playing while I work. In the sprinkler on a hot summer day. Learning to walk in the grass. Running around. Napping in the gazebo while I read. More dreaming... again maybe just a small piece of this will become our reality.

Love your dearest Mommy.

Tea Time

I was inspired by a post from PCOS Diva. It was about her Tea time. SO I decided I will make my own post about my tea time. I was so excited to read the benefits of tea on her blog, and this isn't such a bad habit after all. I have always loved tea. Mostly iced tea and an occasional cup of hot tea. Well when I quit smoking I started eating instead. I gained 10 lbs, and freaked out so I still walk in the kitchen when I might normally have went to smoke. Now I go and make some tea. I started out having about 3 cups a night. Now I have about 1 cup a night. There is something truly therapeutic about night time tea. Its a time I exhale, and dream on pinterest, veg out watching TV, reflect on how in love I am with my husband and my cats, and my life. Sometimes its so easy to get wrapped up in what I want and what I am not getting. How stressful life is, and how much my husband pisses me off. When you stop exhale and sip slowly on nice hot tea your thoughts turn positive and you remember how much God has truly blessed you. I also remember Gabe once said to me in the midst of an emotional melt down of tears and gasps and woe is me I WANT A BABY. He said " why cant you just be happy with me and the cats...I am..." This melted my heart and my tears stopped. I remember how I used to float around in pure gratitude that I had the love of my life, cats, an apartment, a job, great family, and lots of fun. Now it feel like I always want more. I want a house. I want to make more money. I want to have a family of my own. I forget to be IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE. I forget to fall on my knees in gratitude to God for his grace and mercy, and thank him for my husband and my family and my cats and my life. Because its great. It is truly great. Just as it is. being broke. not owning a home. no kids. Just me, my husband, my family, and my cats. Tea reminds me of this. To stop and be thankful for life. So here are some pictures of my night time ritual.

Dearest Baby,
I will be thankful for you 100% of the time. This I promise. I wont need night time tea to remind me. But maybe I better stick to my night time tea just so I remember to be a positive person :)

I hope you will be growing soon my Dearest baby. I already love you.

Love your dearest Mommy