The Heavy Truth

I have been watching a documentary on 4 people that were roughly 700 lbs that have undergone surgery. I know I am no where near 700 lbs. But I still relate.
I have a food addiction.
I am an emotional eater.
I refuse to say how much I weigh. But I am going to refer to my weight by my current goal. My Current goal is to lose 50 lbs. So I am going to say I weigh 50 lbs.
When I met my husband I weighed 5-10 lbs. I gained about 60-65 lbs. SO at my biggest weight ever I weighed 70 lbs.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself when I weighed 70 lbs. My husband was also at his biggest weight. which was about 255-260 so he was very large too. He was working a cubicle job and was in a band. He was eating fast food non stop. I was eating out every single day if not twice a day. We were big drinkers on the weekends and then we would go get fast food 2am and go home and go to bed. we would wake up and go get chipotle. we would go get burger king for dinner. I would sit in my recliner every single night and smoke cigarettes and drink sugar pop. Ironically I didnt really snack, but eating out twice a day took care of that!
I started doing better at work and eating out less and cooking more. I lost about 20 lbs. I was about 50 lbs. this is where I was last year when I got married. I continued to lose weight. To be exact I got down to 36 lbs.
Then I quit smoking cigarettes.
I gained about 10 lbs.
Lately with all this stress I have put on another 5lbs.
I am pissed off.
I put so much work into losing about 34 lbs at one point. now I am only 20 lbs down. 

So my point of this long story is to just show you my weight struggle the past 5 years. I have always struggled with my weight but this is the worst its been.

Its sad, and hard. For my dearest baby you would think I would be able to lose some weight. My fertility chances would raise dramatically and my pregnancy would be lower risk and healthier.

But I love food. I crave food, and depending on my mood I just don't get full. If it is in front of me I will eat it.

 I need to get back to making better choices. Since I have quit smoking I have picked up snacking like crazy. Instead of going outside to smoke I go to the kitchen and grab something. We eat fast food WAYYYYYYYYY less and we go out drinking wayyyy less!! So we are healthier yet. I am still freaking FAT!

Its very frustrating. Why when I want something so bad do I fail?? Why do I self sabotage??

So my goal is to meal plan for everyday. So I know what I can eat tomorrow. and I will fight to keep those decisions.

Not for baby this time..... just for me.....For my health, my life, my happiness.

I want to move. I want to exercise. I want to release my stress with out going to food to comfort me. I have come soooo far in my habits and my lifestyle. And for that I am grateful and truly amazed. I am a different person...a BETTER person. Now I need to attack my stress relief. It is going to take some hard work and some planning, but I can do this.

This is the most recent pic of me from 3 weeks ago. Best i can do for full body. :) Its me and dad that has recently lost 80 lbs. He should be my inspiration! Too bad I rarely see or talk to him...